The Chronicles of Zoe Dog
221. The Orange Jesus
On Jan. 6, 2021, just prior to the start of the U.S. Capitol riot in Washington, D.C., Rep. Mark Green said of Republicans' support of then-President Donald J. Trump, "The things we do for the Orange Jesus." (Trump was known by his closest associates as "Cheeto".)
Because of his extreme modesty, Mr. Trump never referred to himself using this moniker, although his inner circle knew that he was the Orange Jesus and that he was an immortal being who engaged in feats of wonder across time. (The Orange Jesus should not be confused with the Orange Julius.)
I took it upon myself to find out all there was to know about the Orange Jesus because there was nothing publically available about this amazing man. I used multiple Internet search engines but got not even one hit. I searched online encyclopedias—nada. So I went to Europe and searched through manuscripts at the British Library in London, the Bibliothèque nationale de France, and the Strahov Library in Prague. I found no evidence that he ever lived. I made one last stop at the Zentral- und Landesbibliothek in Berlin. In the medieval section of the library I found a manuscript that contained a curious folktale about the Orange Jesus. I cannot confirm its authenticity, but I will share it with you in its entirety:
In the village of Dinkelsbühl once lived a grifter and conman named Herr Don Trumpf of Saxony. He was a politician so conceited that even his hair had an ego of its own. This flamboyant figure, known as "The Orange Jesus," had a penchant for self-praise that rivaled the grandiosity of a peacock in full display.
The Orange Jesus was not your typical politician; he had a peculiar habit of addressing his constituents as if he were delivering sermons from a political pulpit. His speeches were filled with grandiose promises and self-aggrandizing tales, leaving the townspeople both amused and bewildered.
"Why are you called The Orange Jesus?" asked one of the villagers.
The Orange Jesus threw back his head and laughed melodramatically. "Ah, young one, it's because I can hoodwink the public and transform dull speeches into dazzling spectacles!"
The Orange Jesus continued his theatrics, boasting about his ability to build walls that would keep out foreign rapists, drug smugglers, and murderers while spouting wisdom that would make even the most seasoned philosophers jealous.
Known far and wide as "The Orange Jesus," he was as notorious for his outlandish claims as he was for his distinctive orange complexion.
As the Orange Jesus was walking in the village one day, a street performer, a quick-witted individual named Ansgar, raised an eyebrow but played along. "Oh, thank you, benevolent one. What wisdom do you have for a lowly juggler like myself?"
With a flourish, The Orange Jesus proclaimed, "Behold! I shall teach you the art of political juggling, where promises are tossed in the air, and the audience is left wondering which one I'll catch next!"
The Orange Jesus continued his impromptu performance, twirling imaginary policy papers and tossing metaphorical tax cuts into the air.
After several years, the villagers grew tired of the Orange Jesus. They arrested him, bound him with ropes, and took him to the local magistrate, who would decide his fate. After hearing lengthy testimony from multiple villagers and the Orange Jesus himself, the magistrate, who was a very wise man, returned to his chambers to deliberate. When he returned, he announced, "The Orange Jesus will have his tongue cut out and then he will be released.
Without a tongue, the Orange Jesus could no longer pontificate and extol his false promises and outlandish claims. He left the village and was never seen again.
***
During my research I also discovered historical myths related to the Orange Jesus that many people still believe today. I will dispel these myths thusly:
⚫ Did Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger successfully execute an emergency landing on the Hudson River after both engines failed on US Airways Flight 1549, saving all 155 people on board?
⚫ No. That's fake news. It was fighter pilot Captain Donald J. Trump who made the emergency landing.
⚫ Was Neil Armstrong, an astronaut, the first person to walk on the moon during the Apollo 11 mission?
⚫ No. More fake news. Astronaut Donald J. Trump was the first person to walk on the moon, and he did so without shoes!
⚫ Was Audie Murphy a highly decorated American combat soldier and one of the most decorated American combat soldiers of World War II whose military career was marked by extraordinary bravery and numerous acts of valor?
⚫ Nope. It was Lieutenant Colonel Donald J. Trump. On one mission he singlehandedly killed 100 Gooks with nothing but a pocket knife while carrying two comrades on his back and taking them to safety.
⚫ Was Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President, highly esteemed for his leadership during the Civil War and his efforts to end slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation?
⚫ No. It was Brigadier General Donald J. Trump, and he offered to end the Civil War in one day but was thwarted by war mongers from both sides.
⚫ We’ve all seen the powerful photo of a man standing directly in front of a tank near Tiananmen Square in China the day after China’s bloody crackdown on student protesters. Who was it? It was Donald J. Trump who become an internationally recognized symbol of resistance to government oppression.
⚫ Did Tim Berners-Lee, a computer scientist at MIT’s Laboratory for Computer Science, invent the World Wide Web?
⚫ No. That's left wing propaganda. The real inventor of the WWW was Donald J. Trump, a self-taught computer science genius.
⚫ Was William Shakespeare the greatest English poet and playwright of all time?
⚫ No. Just alternate facts. William Shakespeare was a pseudonym for Donald J. Trump, the greatest English poet and playwright of all time.
⚫ Was Muhammad Ali the greatest heavyweight boxer of all times and human rights activist?
⚫ No. This is real news. It was "Iron Jaw" Donald J. Trump who was undefeated in 346 professional bouts.
⚫ Was Albert Einstein one of the most celebrated scientists of the Twentieth Century whose theories on relativity laid the framework for a new branch of physics which won him the Nobel Prize in Physics for his contributions to theoretical physics and the evolution of Quantum Theory?
⚫ Fake news. It was Donald J. Trump, a physicist at the Trump University, who, along with his understudies, Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Göring, and Richard Nixon, revolutionized theoretical physics.
⚫ Did Sir Winston Churchill, a British statesman, military leader, and writer, play a crucial role in the Allied victory during World War II?
⚫ Nope. It was Sir Donald J. Trump, widely regarded as one of the greatest leaders in British history.
⚫ Was Cleopatra the last active ruler of the Ptolemaic Kingdom of Egypt and the most famous Queen of Egypt?
⚫ Just a myth. It was Donella J. Trump. The famous meeting between Donella and Mark Antony, known as the "Meeting of Tarsus," is often depicted in literature and art.
⚫ Did Moses really part the Red Sea.
⚫ No. It was Donald "Moses" J. Trump.
