The Cat Paws Interview
Last week I caught up with Zoe Dog, creator of the online Chronicles of
Zoe and a self- described provocateur.
FELIX FRANKFURTER JR., CAT PAWS EXECUTIVE PUBLISHER: Ms Zoe Dog, welcome to Cat Paws Online. Thank you for making time to meet with me.
Zoe Dog: No problemo.
FF: I must say I'm surprised that you accepted my request for an interview since my publication has been highly critical of you.
ZD: Let's get on with it. Do you have any kibble laying around here?
FF: So, okay. Hey Frankie, can you bring out some kibble for Zoe Dog? Let me begin. How do you respond to critics who say you mangle the English language and bring online writing to a new low?
ZD: It don't matter none to me what the critics say. My readers are all that matters to me. I don't mange the English language, I take it to a new level that includes a broader diversity of animal life.
FF: Since you started blogging, you've appealed to a hitherto unknown segment of the online community. To what do you attribute your success within an obviously small niche?
ZD: First of all I do not blog. That's a swampy place where people grow turnips and cranberries. I write in-your-face chronicles, and I let the shits fall where they may. That's my online appeal. And I don't have a small niche. My niche is as big as anyone's.
FF: Your blogs - er, chronicles - are filled with racist diatribes about cats and Chihuahuas among other small animals. How do you get away with this?
ZD: First let me correct the record. I don't diparagus any diatribes. I never met a tribe I didn't like. As to cats, Chihuahuas and the like - they get way too much cred, and they're taking way too much from the rest of us. I call that out, and there are many who agree with me but feel unempowered to say it out loud. I am their bark.
FF: You've also been criticized for being unabashedly narcissistic, and you must admit, you write about yourself almost all of the time.
ZD: Oh baby, you don't know me none. I don't give a rat's patoot about abashers. They're losers. I'm a winner, and I'm not narcissistic. I've never been addicted to narcissoids, narcissleptics or anything else. I don't take drugs, other than a little weed once in a while. I write about myself because I'm so fascinating. My readers want to know what I'm thinking and doing. I'm in the groove.
FF: What groove?
ZD: Look Clyde, you wouldn't understand, and ...
FF: My name is Felix.
ZD: Whatever.
FF: Do you really believe you're so important, or are you just being satirical?
ZD: There's not a satirical bone in my body. All of my satire was removed when I got spayed.
FF: Multiple animal rights groups have condemned you for writing about your killing and sometimes eating small animals. Among others, PETA, ASPCA, and CLI (Cat Lovers International) have demanded that you be censored from the Internet. A spokesman for PETA recently said, "The abuse that animals suffer at the paws of Zoe Dog is heartbreaking, sickening, and infuriating." How do you respond?
ZD: (laughs) Let's get down to brass caps. PETA it hippocritical. PETA has bought stock in meat companies for years. They have a large holding in Tyson Foods, one of the most notorious animal abusers in the meat industry. PETA says their killing of homeless animals is an act of kindness. PETA often kills animals that it takes in and then stores their bodies in meat lockers. Hey you PETA people, what about those leather belts and shoes you are wearing? They didn't just come from China. How tasty is that Big Mac you are eating? If termites start eating up your house, do you invite them in for tea? If you see a cockroach in your kitchen, do you squish it or offer it a sandwich?
As for CLI, give me a break. You have no credibility. You dote over an invasive species that kills billions of birds and small mammals every year. Meow, on the other paw (laughs) dispatch just a pawful of rodents on a yearly basis. I do my part to keep their populations down since humans have killed off most of nature's predators. So kiss my furry butt if you don't like what I do and write about.
Hey, Why all the negativity? You haven't said one positive thing about my online ligaments. What about all of the amusement and cosmic relief I provide my readers?
FF: I was just trying to...
ZD: Get on with it. (scratches her butt) Did you just fart? Yeah, you farted alright. That's cool.
FF: Er, excuse me. One more question.
ZD: Take your best shot Popeye.
FF: My name... Never mind. You seem to think you know a lot about religion and philosophy. I mean, you write about it frequently. Most of it sounds like utter nonsense. Do you have any formal training in these areas?
ZD: Excuse me! Excuse me! I don't need no stinkin' theocratogy degree or philosopher Ph.D to know lots about reality and the truth. Us dogs know much more than humans about what's really going on - always have, always will.
(Crosses her front paws) Look pork face, humans are best at fooling themselves. Us dogs know better. Humans think they are civilized and in search of the truth. Bull shit! They murder their own kind, often abuse and kill their offspring, and fight wars all the time. The only things they're searching for are power, money, and objects of fornication.
FF: Well, er, thank you for joining me.
ZD: (Stretches) I'm outta here.
There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.
~ Mark Twain