I come to bury squirrels, not to praise them.
Ground
squirrels are so stupid. I nailed one yesterday in the backyard. They
can climb trees, and we have a lot of ponderosa pines in the yard, but
they insist on running on the ground when attacked. So when I go after
one, it's almost puppy's play to chomp one. I didn't eat the one I got,
but I must have swallowed some of its intestinoids, 'cause I felt sick
the rest of the day.
I got a wonderful email this morning. A great honor has been besotted on me. I've been selected to deliver the commencement address to the 2017½ graduating class of the Affenpinscher Polytechnic Institute, of which I am an alumna. I'm working on my speech:
Let me say unto the class of 2017½, for I have
ordained unto you this partakenment for your future lives and
encumbrances, behold! (Using Bible-speak words is
great for commencement addresses.) Charge forth and populate! (No,
that's not right. Let's see.) Charge forth and propagate! (No, still not
right.) Charge forth and fornicate! (Nope. Hmm.)
Charge forth and urinate! (That's better.)
There iseth no better time for you to enter unto
the everyday world of "carpus delecti" and pick out a human to train and
to provide for you all of the worldly comforts you should reapeth and
rejoiceth within.
Now as you de-matriculateth, the world iseth your
oyster - if you're into that kind of slimey thing. So sully forth and
seizeth the opportunity to pee freely and often, to sniff butts with a
plum, and to run free!
This speech is sounding really good. I'm a cinch to get on Youtube with this one. Have I got a glibbish tongue or what?
I wonder if I should wear my red collar or the blue one when I give the speech?
I also got a recent email asking me to be the keynote speaker at a fund raiser dinner hosted by the BYOB (Benevolent and Yoke-toed Order of Beavers) Lodge No.1621 in French Lick, Indiana. The dinner is to support the Critter Connection, a charity devoted to the rescue and rehabilitation of neglected or abandoned guinea pigs.
I wrote back that I would be glad to speak, and for my dinner please hold the salad and serve my guinea pig grilled, medium rare. For some strange reason I got a second email saying that I would no longer be needed for the fund raiser.
Oops, a dried booger just fell out of my nose. That's odd since my nose is wet all the time. It must be an omen. Maybe I should do an extispicy on the squirrel entrails in the backyard to figure out what's coming my way. Let's see, which provides the most information, the liver or the large intestine?
I better go outside to see what's going on. Oh momma! There's another squirrel out there. Don't they ever learn? Don't they have social networking? Maybe before I chomp it, I'll ask it which collar to wear.
Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.
~ Mark Twain