Aprender a ser Paciente
(Learning to be Patient)

Exurbs from the critically acclaimed book by Dr. Ricardo de Pinto, with a forward by Zoe Dog. (May contain advertisements.)

I'm so pleased to be able to write this forward for Dr. de Pinto's new book, Aprender a ser Paciente. It's destined to be a best seller. We all need to learn how to be patient. Right? Well, Dr. de Pinto tells you how in common, straightforward Spanglish. Using the de Pinto method ® you will be well on the way to a much more patient lifestyle repleated with all the benefits it procurs in just six weeks.

In addition to being a gifted writer and philosopher, Dr. de Pinto is a highly skilled, self-taught surgeon and diplomate of the Michoacana University of San Nicolás of Hidalgo Division for Biological and Agricultural Sciences. Last year when I wanted to get a nipple enhancement, my vet wanted $4,900 for the procedure - that comes out to be $612.50 per nipple. Well, heck with that. I went to the de Pinto clinic in Tijuana and Dr. Ricardo did it for $295.99 for all eight of my nipples and he offered a nipple-back guarantee! It don't get no better than that. So sit back and enjoy reading this exurb of Dr. Ricardo's fabulous book.

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Hola everybody. I am Dr. Ricardo de Pinto. Hey peoples, leesen up. Eberybody geet pissed and want to keel somebody, eben me. But don't keel somebody and go to jail. In jail berry, berry bad theengs happen to yous, and yous have to eet stale boloney sandwiches weeth no frijoles, cervesa or vino. Learn to be patient so yous no go to jail. I can help yous. My book, Aprender a ser paciente, can help yous berry, berry mucho.

El diccionario says patience ees "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, difficulty, or annoyance without getting angry or upset." I weel teech you hows to be patient. Heer ees some ejemplos:

1. OK. So I forget the password to my iPhone. I think and think, but I cannot remember eet. Eef I am impatient, I weel get berry, berry mad. I weel throw my iPhone on the floor, stomp on eet, and scream, "You goddamn sunobeech, I weel keel you!" So what happens heer? It ees berry, berry bad. I have destroyed my iPhone so I cannot ever use eet again. My blood pressure shoots up, my muscles get berry tense and I feel a sharp pain in my back. Thees ees no good. If I keep being mad the vein een my temple might pop, and I will fall dead on the floor like a smuggler shot dead by a border agent.
   
   Now, I decide to be patient. I calmly put my iPhone down on the desk, I call the company for assistance, and I speek to a Pakistani man who cannot speek English good like me. He helps me restore my iPhone so I can use eet again. Aah! All ees good. I am relaxed, my back feels mui bueno, and I smile. Eet ees so eezy peezy!
2. Ween you are een a stressful situation like crossing the border into USA weeth 10 kilos of cocaine in the spare tire, do some deep breething. Eet will calm your mind and body and make the border guard theenk you are just a dumb tourista, not a drug smuggler. Don't stress yourself over leetle things. Ween you geet berry mad, look at yourself and say "Why are you so mad?" Feel how you make youself tense, breathing shallow, clench-jawed, shaking like ween agent looks in your spare tire. Relax and cool your brain down so you can reason good and convince the agent you know nothing about cocaine. Eet ees so eezy peezy!
3. So ween berry ugly man wants me to operate on hees face, he says "Fix my ugly face you wetback, pinto bean doctor!" I want to say back to heem, "Fuck youself you ugly gringo bastard. Geet out of my office." No, thees is impatient. To be patient I theenk to myself, "Thees ugly sunobeech ees just frustrated. I will cut down hees parrot nose and tuck hees flabby chin. He will be happy and I weel make big money from the ugly sunobeech." Eet ees so eezy peezy!
4. OK, heer ees another one. Ween I am doing liposuction on a reech obese womans from Malibu and I drop my suction hose to the floor, I could stamp my feets and yell "Yous goddamn stupido sunobeech!" No, thees ees the wrong way. Thees is impatient. To be patient with my patient I should say, "That is OK reech fat lady. I just dropped my suction hose. I weel wipe eet off and continue sucking fat from yous berry fat buttocks." Eet ees so eezy peezy!
5. Laugh berry, berry mucho. Remember that yous are not perfect. Nobody ees perfect, eeven me. Eenjoy times with familia and amigos. Make life fun. Don't always work and be a crab apple.
6. So, heer we go again. Ween I steek hypodermic needle into my thumb instead of een fat gringo woman's butt who needs gonorrhea shot, I might shout, "Goddamn sunobeech!" No, thees ees impatient. I should say, "Eets OK, relax, I need a gonorrhea shot too." Eet ees so eezy peezy!
7. To be impatient is estúpido. So eef I am een a rush to finish a gall bladder surgery so I can eat burritos and drink cervesa, and nurse ees smoking a cigarro and dropping ashes inside the patient's abdomen eenstead of sewing up the patient, I want to keel her. Thees don't help nuthin. She ees still gonna smoke the cigarro. Don't torture yourself. Relax and look at the beeg picture. So eet takes longer to sew up the patient. No beeg deal, and some ashes in the patient's belly won't hurt heem. Eet ees so eezy peezy!
8. OK. One last one. So ween I sew up a patient after a liver transplant, I might say, "¡Mierda! I left a sponge eenside heem!" Now I could slap my face and scream, "Yous goddamn, estúpido sunobeech, you a left sponge eenside heem!" But no, I am patient. I relax my muscles, take mui deep breathes, and say, "Oh weel, nobody ees perfect." See how eezy peezy? So now you try thees at home or ween you do a liver transplant.

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The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.
~ Bashar

© Copyright 2016 Richard Flagle