Do You Want to be Famous?
I just finished reading The Legend of Bruised Lung by Sara Jessica Lung and Jimmy Chong.
It's the true story of the life of Bruised Lung, the iconic martial artist.
Bruised Lung began life as the sickly child of a poor, immigrant Chinese family living in East L.A. After years of being battered and bullied by neighborhood youth gangs, he stumbled upon Jimmy Chong's Martial Arts Academy and Asian Food Market. Under Jimmy's tutelage, he sculpted his body and mastered kung fu, ju jitsu, taekwondo, t'ai chi ch'uan, karaoke, and baby chicken sexing.
Bruised Lung then evolved into the most rapacious kick boxer of his time. His big break came when he was cast in the lead role of Enter the Snap Dragon, a low budget martial arts movie that became an instant success. His subsequent movies - A Fistful of Kung Fu, The Yakuza Must Die, Lungbo, and Crouching Spider, Hidden Kumquat - propelled him into becoming the most famous martial artist of his time.
Unfortunately, outside of the octagon and the movie studio, Bruised Lung lived a life of debauchery and excess in spite of his wife's implorable ammunitions. He was a chain-smoker, a bourbon bottle a day drinker, and a notorious womanizer. Living in the fast lane, however, caught up with him at Freddy Roach's Seafood Palace in the slums of Mendota, CA. where he died at the age of 32 as a result of a cavernous meal of tainted raw oysters and overly-fermented kimchi.
Wow, what a book! I wish I could do all of that kung fu shit like Bruised Lung and become famous. You know, I'm sure I could learn it. Then I would call myself Master Zoe Chew, the "Paws of Fury." After that I would go looking for a movie contract. That might be hard to get, because movie mongols want telegeneric, white male people movie stars, and I'm just a dog, a female one at that.
Well, I'm an optimistic - bladder half full - kinda dog. I could do demonstrations at county fairs and Hatch green chiles roasting venues in order to get some popularity. I could post some fliers (SSWTBFD [spayed, straight, white, tan, brown female dog] seeking MMCWB [mega movie contract with benefits]. ) at grocery stores and laundromats. I could show off my skills on YouTube, except I don't know how to make and upload videos. I could hire an agent, except I don't have no money.
Everyone wants to be famous, right? I'd like to be famous, but it's unlikely I ever will be. What else could I become if I couldn't become a martial artist? An opera singer? Nah. I couldn't be a diva because all I can do is howl. But it would be a sight to behold to see me starring as Brünnhilde in Der Ring des Nibelungen at the Teatro alla Scala in Milan.
Pro sports? Very unlikely. Anything involving balls would be too much for me, since I'm all paws. But maybe curling. Yeah, I could do that, and I wouldn't need a little brush. I would use my tail. I of course would be the lead and as such I would throw the first two rocks (polished granite stones). I would have Marley Dog be my second, Max Dog would be vice, and Beau Dog the skip. We could rout the Canadian curling team, no problemo. But no one wants to watch a curling superstar.
How about a rock star? Guitar - nope. Drums - nope. (Remember, I'm paw bound.) Singing, nope because I can only howl. Wait a minute, maybe I could be a rock singer. Lots of them can only howl. But the lifestyle would be too much for me - boozing, drugs, having sex in hotel rooms, sitting in limos, wearing tight clothes and lots of bling. Nope, not a rock star. But that reminds me. Tom Petty is dead. That just ain't right. I love his music. Who's next? Bob Dylan? That would be the loss of a national treasure. I'm OK with Prince's death, I mean, he brought it on himself. I don't like his music anyway, except maybe for "Purple Rain."
Could I become a famous politician? Nah, I would never get elected, because I would be honest, I wouldn't promise anything I couldn't deliver, and I wouldn't enjoy screwing people. How about a stateswoman, er, I mean statesdog? Maybe if I tried to emolify Benazir Bhutto, Golda Meir, or Margaret Thatcher I could become the first world-renounced statesdog. No, that wouldn't work. Most places for oratory and pronouncements have no-dogs-allowed rules.
Oh well, life's good up here in the highlands even if Master Zoe Chew doesn't get a movie contract. So I'll enjoy my aquanymity and continue to chomp squirrels, chase ravens, and ponder the universe. But I tell you what. If given the chance, the Paws of Fury could make a hellava blockbuster movie.
The idea of being famous is a lot better than the reality.
~ Tom Felton