Dear Zoe
I was thinking I might start an online "Dear Abby" type column, where I could help miserable people
using my uncanny ability to tell people what they need to know. Here are
some starters for my column:
DEAR ZOE: Ah luv yore column! Ah been all tore up fer a spell.
Muh dad-burned, ignert wife got a real big butt las few years. I'm real tired of it. On top of that, she don't worsh it much a-tall. Ah caint rassle with
her no more. Ah orta, but ah caint tell her how bad it aggervates me. -- DWAYNE IN MS.
DEAR DWAYNE: Lordy, lordy. Yore in a bad sichy-ayshun. Ah thank tawking is good. Tell yore no count wife tuh fix her big fat butt right now or you're goin tuh uppin thoe her outta thuh house an find yourself a purdy young thang.
DEAR ZOE: For the last three years I've been living with a loving man who likes to wear my underwear and high heels. I don't want to rob him of the pleasure this gives him, but he often doesn't return my things, and when he does, they're usually dirty and poop-stained. Should I just put up with this? I'm afraid if I confront him, he'll leave me. -- AFRAID IN VA.
DEAR AFRAID: Many women help their men cross-dress, but your guy has gone too far. His inconsiderate behavior is shameful. You should not have to put up with this. First be kind. Assure him you love him. Then tell him to get his own stuff, and let him know if he uses your stuff again, you'll cut off his pecker while he's asleep.
DEAR ZOE: I have a big problem with sex because I can't get it up, if you know what I mean. I have a friend who can get me some Spanish fly. Do you think this could help me with my problem? -- BIG TOAD JOHNSON IN AK.
DEAR BIG TOAD: Spanish fly, which has been used for thousands of years as a sexual stimulant, is made from the crushed body parts of Blister beetles! Get it, "Blister beetles." It can help you if you want your mouth to burn, if you want to have difficulty swallowing, nausea, vomiting blood, bloody urine, painful urination and renal failure. Preparations using this beetle contain Cantharidin. It's a POISON, Big Toad. It's only good for treating warts.
Live with your "problem." Try a couple glasses of wine, a girlie magazine, or if nothing else works use your left hand, if you know what I mean.
DEAR ZOE: Yur column is stupidest thing I ever seed, and your chronicles too. All you do is strut and stuff and put down cats. How lame you is. My question is who gave you the right to write down stuff about you don’t know nuthin? -- AGNES LEADERSHIP, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR, ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY IN TEMPE, AZ.
DEAR AGNES: You are either the stupidest college professor on the planet, or more likely you are a cat owner whose cat has sent this letter to me using your name. May you choke on the mother of all hairballs and writhe in agony in your turd-infested litter box!
DEAR ZOE: Since my sister and I are twins, is it OK for both of us to have sex with the same guy? -- ABIGAIL & MARIGOLD BELCHER IN TORTILLA FLAT, AZ.
DEAR ABIGAIL & MARIGOLD: Sure it's OK, if you're into that kind of thing. Flip a coin to see who gets to go first, but wait at least an hour between sessions so you don't completely wear out the guy.
DEAR RESPECTED ZOE: Greetings and permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from your amazing Chronicles of Zoe. I prayed over it and selected you due to it's esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me that you are a reputable and trustworthy animal I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.
I am Wumi Abdullah, the only daughter of late Mr. and Mrs. George Abdullah. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast, before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings to discuss on a business deal.
When my mother recently died, my father took me and my younger brother Kareem because we are motherless. Before the death of my father in a private hospital here in Abidjan, he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12,500,000 left in a suspense account in a bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his first daughter for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.
He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money his business associates supposed to balance his from the deal they had that he was poisoned, that I should seek for a God-fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose. Madam, I am honourably seeking your assistance to provide a bank account where this money would be transferred to, and to serve as the guardian of this since I am a girl of only 19 years.
Moreover Madam, I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account. Please feel free to contact me. Anticipating to hear from you soon. Thanks and God bless. -- MISS WUMI ABDULLAH IN IVORY COAST.
DEAR MISS ABDULLAH: Praise Jesus, I'm in! I'll send you my bank account number immediately and await your deposit of the $12,500,000. God bless you and Kareem!
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
~ Will Rogers