Words, Names and Dogs
It's
raining right now - such relief from the long, hot, dry spell we've been
having. It leads me to feel refreshingly, upliftingly, and
extemporaneously adverbial. I hope I don't overwhelmingly you.
My roommate Max hasn't been to the groomer for a long time, so he's beginning to look like a miniature wooly mammoth without the tusks. (He does have an underbite though.) He don't care none. Me? I don't need no stinkin' groomer. I just shed a lot so I look pristine all of the time. Of course there have been times when Richard or Alice vacuums the floor and starts fuming because my hair has seriously clogged up the vacuum cleaner.
Isn't vacuum an odd word for having two u's in a row? There aren't many words like this. I can only think of "continuum", which means keep on truckin', and "muumuu", which means my mouth is numb because I was at the dentist's office and I can't speak.
Let's face it. Us dogs are scroungers, and we're proud of it. That's how we have been able to stay on the periodic table and get humans to take us in. We have mastered the ability to mesmerize humans by staring at them with our big, beautiful brown eyes (blue or blue and brown for huskies) until they succumb to our powers and then feed us on a regular schedule, give us fresh water, walk us so we can pee and poop outside rather than befouling their homes, and give us stuffed toys to tear the shit out of.
It's an elegant relationship we have developed. It's taken us many generations to achieve this. Darwin would be proud! It's a shame he didn't include us as an example of the survival of the fittest. I guess he was too busy studying birds and tortoises and such.
So let me set the record straight about where we came from because humans don't always get it right. Yes, everyone agrees that we descended from wolves. But Chihuahuas descended from ferrets, hence their inferior nature that includes yapping all of the time, being hyperactive, and smelling bad.
We first were called hounds; later we became known as dogs. We were said to be the first domesticated species. Well that's debatable. Us dogs are convinced that we domesticated humans. We've done all kinds of things to endear us to them. Our keen sense of smell made us excellent companions to human hunters. We have pulled sleds in the Arctic, herded livestock, sniffed out narcotics and explosives, and listened to humans farting all of the time without complaining or even acknowledging that these malodorous events were taking place.
Oh, before I forget it. Because of my vast knowledge of interior design and landscaping, I was contacted by the FBI to assist them with two missing persons. Father Carlos Jimenez Fernandez Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca of the Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe del Matamoros and Tamaulipas Parroquia (parish) in Brownsville, Texas has been missing for three weeks now. The beloved priest, who is known as "Father Pepito", by his grieving parisheners, was last seen in a bus station in Reynosa, Mexico carrying a large sack over his shoulder. The circumstances concerning the nature of Father Pepito's disappearance remain unclear.
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $35 for information leading directly to the location of Father Pepito.
Ironically, at the same time the priest went missing, his devoted 11-year old alter boy, Jerry Lee Wilkerson also went missing. Jerry Lee was last seen wearing a dark shirt, blue shorts, and black shoes. No photograph of him currently is available.
Anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of Father Carlos Jimenez Fernandez Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza De Vaca or Jerry Lee Wilkerson should contact his or her local FBI office or local police department.
Well, so much for that, I want to move on to other matters of dubious import.
You know, for the longest time I thought Yo-Yo Ma, the famous Jelloist, was a woman. It was the "Ma" in his name that fooled me. If his name was Yo-Yo Pa, I would have rightly concluded that he is a man. What kind of parents would name their kid after a little round toy that spins on a string? It just doesn't seem right. He was born in Paris, so why didn't his parents name him Pierre Ma or Jules Ma. He was a child prodigal, so he deserved a better name.
And speaking about odd names, Frank Zappa named his kids - two daughters, Moon Unit and Diva Muffin, and sons Dweezil and Ahmet Emuukha Rodan. I guess he wanted to make sure they didn't have a chance to grow up normal. I think he should of been charged with child abuse for naming them like that.
The actor Sam Worthington and his wife named their first child Rocket Zot. Nicolas Cage's kid is Kal-El (Superman's Krypton name). Sylvester Stallone's kid is Sage Moonblood, and the list goes on.
Speaking about weird names, I love rapper names (but I hate their music). These dudes and dudettes really know how to spin a name. Here are some of my favorites: Rico Nasty aka Taco Bella, Biggie Smalls, Big Baby Jesus, Bubba Sparxxx, Cunninlynguists, Del tha Funkee Homosapien, Swollen Members, Da Bush Babees, and Shorty Shitstain.
There's one name I find totally weird - it's Willard. For me it conjures up an image of a skinny ol' white guy with bad teeth playing a banjo on a ramshackle porch somewhere in the hills of Appalachia. How cruel to name a baby Willard.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. ~ William Shakespeare