The Annual Manchester
Dog Humping Championship
Man, my butt and leg mussels are really sore. You see, I'm in training
for the dog humping championship that will be held in
Manchester, England in the fall. The regionals start next month in
Biloxi, Mississippi. I almost made it through the regionals last year. I
was ahead, then my left rear paw slipped and I lost several style
points. That resulted in a candy-ass Airedale Terrier taking first place
by a nose.
Now, for those of you who don't know much about this sport, competitive dog humping is different than regular dog humping. Before I move on, here are some basic facts about regular humping that you may not be aware of. When one person is being singled out for humping, the dog is directly challenging that person for a ranking pack position.
Some dogs will hump a roommate, a neighbor's cat, or even an armadillo if one is handy. Some of you might think that us female dogs don't get into humping. Not true. We enjoy humping as much as our male brethren do. Some dogs hump because they just like it, others hump because of private zone irritation, and some are humping addicts.
The addicts most always need professional help. This usually consists of aversive conditioning. (Yes, shock collars really do work, and they hurt like hell.) These poor dogs also must participate in weekly HA (Humping Anonymous) meetings:
Yes, I am a humping addict, but I haven't humped in three weeks! I praise God for helping me stop humping. I think with time, and with your support I can overcome this addiction and become a productive dog again. God bless you all.
Over time they learn that humping isn't worth it, but for many, their self-esteem has been shattered and they wind up accompanying beggers on street corners. Sometimes life's lessons can be harsh.
Back to competitive humping. It's much like the floor gymnastics young girls who-are-surely-going-to-get-molested-by-their-coach get into. There are five mandatory routines, each of which lasts 90 seconds. A panel of six judges rates each routine on a scale of one to ten. Scores are based on difficulty, form, the dismount, and overall performance quality.
Deductions are taken for lack of flexibility, mononucleosity, pausing while humping, and using the same hump more than twice. Bonus style points can be awarded for creative humps. These are the routines in their order of difficulty starting with the most basic: the Tree Stump Hump, the Pant Leg Hump, the Over and Under Hump, the Half Pipe Slump and Hump, and the Live Chicken Hump.
Each humper can select the music that will accompany his/her routines. This year I'm going to use Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild. Last year's champion used Frank Sinatra's My Way to highlight a magnificent performance. The music may be of any known musical style, except Rap, Opera, Greek Folk, and Country/Western. The humps in the routines must be precise, in sync with the music and entertaining.
Hump training is difficult, tiring, and time-consuming. You have to be a dedicated humper to have any chance of advancing in the ranks. As they say, "No pain, no gain." Some dogs start as amateurs in the humper farm clubs in order to develop good technique and endurance. I skipped all of that because I am a humping progedy. I was competitively humping before humping was a recognized sport. I'm currently seeded no. 9 in the upcoming regionals. I think I'll win this time around because I've got some surprises for the judges. My unique Rope a Dope Hump and Springboard Hump are going to amaze everyone.
Well, it's time to get back to training. Now where did I put that tree stump?
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? ~ Tom Robbins