142. maxs furst kronicul
After
reading my email this morning I was dazed and cornfused. After writing
my last chronicle about some off-beat religions, I've been getting hate
email and lots of it. It seems that all kinds of religious folks have a
bone to pick with me—no pun intended.
Let's get one thing straight: I don't have and don't need no religion, and I find it peculiar that so many people buy into this stuff. If that's what they want to do, I don't care. But here's my biggest beef. None of these religions has anything good to say about us dogs. Even the Bible doesn't say anything nice about us. For example:
The dogs shall eat Jezebel in the territory of Jezebel, and none shall bury her. (2 Kings 9:10) I would never eat Jezebel, whoever that is, unless maybe I was starving. Us dogs don't eat people!
Of them the proverbs are true: 'A dog returns to its vomit,' and, 'A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.' (2 Peter 2:22) OK, I admit I return to my vomit, so what's wrong with that? That's what us dogs do!
Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matthew 7:6) If I was given something holy, I would honor it and care for it. By that I mean I would bury it in the backyard.
That's all I'm going to say about religion, and that's that!
Now, on to some better news. I want all of you to know that my roommate Max Dog has become my pal. When he first joined our household, he was scared and hid a lot under the bed, but now he feels right at home. He loves my chronicles - I read them to him in Dog. He likes them so much that he wants to make his own chronicles, so I'm teaching him to write in English. He's picking it up real well. Here's his first one:
kroniculs uv max
1. bout max
me am max uh dog me blak an gra furee teriur me afrade uv nuthin mes botum teeth stik out me varmint huntr me hav gud roomates now alice rikhar an zoe dog wen yungur me roomates beated me bad so me run away now me petted feeded gud an sleep in bed me is happy dog me lik to pee poop snif scratk skrape bark an dance lurnin english am a bitch grr grr grr yip yip yip bark bark bark bark arf arf ruf ruf yap yap yap woof
Not bad huh? At the end he disgressed into Dog, but he'll do better next time.
Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen. ~ Orhan Pamuk