The Chronicles of Zoe Dog
143. Dog is Easy, English is Hard
I'm
proud of Max Dog for writing his first chronicle, even though he
struggled with English. I think he hit the head on the nail—that's an
idiotism—when he wrote, "lurnin english am a bitch." I feel that way
sometimes.
Dog, on the other paw, is a simple language, basically because we communicate so much more effectively with our noses, pee, poop, and anal sacs. Dog has sixteen basic sounds: grr, growl, bay, howl, whimper, whine, yelp, snarl, snort, yip, bark, arf, ruff, bow wow, yap, and woof. Each sound, however, has different meanings based on intent.
All dogs with some exceptions can eloquate these basic sounds. Contrary to popular belief, Malamutes are not mute. In fact they have a more extensive constabulary than other breeds. They have howls, yodels, yips, chirps, barks, grumbles, rumbles, snorts, huhs, and a few other sounds. Huskies make a lot of strange noises that most other dogs don't make. Some dogologists think they have a distinct Huskiearian dog language. Chihuahuas, because they're so stupid, can only say yip. Basenji dogs don't bark but they make an unusual yodel-like sound ("baroo"), due to their unusually shaped larynx.
Now back to English. I think I have a good English constabulary, and I know how to use nouns, verbs, and the like, but learning English is hard and confusing. I still struggle with stuff like parts of speech, adverbials, and tenses. Here's some examples of English thingies that don't make a lot of sense to me:
Metaforms are hard for me to figure out. So when you think the word or phrase means one thing, it really means something else, like "hit the head on the nail", or "he's a couch potato". This one sung by Elvis is really weird: "You ain't nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time." Everyone knows us dogs don't cry, so why would he sing that?
NEWS FLASH! I have good news to report to those of you
who have been worried sick about the stolen ten feet tall inflatable colon
that's recently been in the news. This morning's
edition of USA Today reported the following:
"Stolen inflatable colon recovered, Kansas City police say"
Now, where was me, er I mean I? Oh yeah, similisms are almost as difficult to understand as metaforms, like "He was as mad as a rat in a coffee can." Why would a rat get in a coffee can to begin with? Did it get mad because the coffee didn't taste good? Rats don't eat coffee.
Homofones are weird too: "Why couldn’t the jockey speak? He was feeling a bit horse."
Homografs are words that have the same spelling, but have different meanings and may be pronounced differently: "She will "read" Goodbye, Testicles ; he "read" it last year."
I think idiotisms give me the most trouble: "Dead as a doornail." I don't know what a doornail is, but I'm pretty sure it can't be dead because it was never alive.
I thought phrasal verbs were verbs that have a nasal sound, but no, it's entirely something else that I can't understand.
I thought syntax was a tax the Catholic Church required of people who committed sins, but no, it's the study of the rules for making sentences.
Just trying to pronounce oxymorons makes my brain hurt. Here are a few: amicable divorce, found missing, butt head, pretty ugly.
There's so many other, like antonymphs, sinonymphs, hyperbolls, and root words (must be like turnips, potatoes, parsnips, carrots).
Here's some more English thingies I can't figure out:
If you hit your finger with a hammer, other than saying "You goddamn motherfucker!" you might say "Shit that smarts.” No, it's not smart at all. Busting yourself with a tool is stupid. You should say, “You goddamn motherfucker that stupids!”
People blow their noses with stuff called "facial tissue" and wipe their butts with stuff called "toilet paper". Both are made out of the same stuff, but one comes in a box and the other comes on a roll of cardboard. So why isn't toilet paper called "anal tissue" or should facial tissue be called "snot paper"?
A "prophylactic" is a fancy word for a rubber. If someone doesn’t use prophylactics is he "conphylactic"?
"Inhibit" means to discourage from doing something. So why isn't there the word "hibit" meaning to encourage to do something?
In football, "tight ends" play on either side of the tackles. Does that mean they have very restrictive sphincters and have trouble pooping?
"Defensive guards and tackles". What have they got to be defensive about? They're as much a part of the team as anyone else.
Even a moron knows that a "barn burner" is someone who burns down barns, but no, it refers to a very exciting or dramatic event, like a sports contest.
"Bleeding edge" clearly means the edge of something that is bleeding, like the edge of an ear or elbow, but no, it means the very forefront of technological development.
"Eye candy" is disgusting. It means candy made out of eyes, but no, it refers to visual images that are superficially attractive and entertaining.
"Flatline" is total foolishness. All lines are flat, but no, it means to die.
A "goodfella" is a nice guy, right? No, its a gangster.
"Puddle jumper" is obvious enough. It's some little kid having fun jumping over puddles, but no, it's a small airplane used for short trips.
Hey, let's get real, a "tall boy" is a tall boy as opposed to a short boy, but no, it's a large glass of beer.
"Rubbernecker" seems like a sexually obscene word to me that I'm not willing to describe, but no, it means a gawking onlooker.
I think "hose bibb" also could be a dirty word, maybe some nasty sex act, but no, it's a faucet with a nozzle bent down.
The dictionary says that "triskaidekaphobia" is an extreme superstition about the number thirteen. Isn't that a mouthful. Wouldn't it be a lot simpler to use the word thirteenaphobia?
Some people call a marijuana cigarette a "doobie". If that's not weird enough, there's the expression, "don't bogart that doobie", which means don't hold on to a joint too long without passing it on. I found out that "bogart" referred to Humphrey Bogart, an actor who smoked a lot in his movies.
Now here's an expression that doesn't make any sense at all: "Don't take your eye off of the ball." I would have to pluck my eye out of my head to put it on the ball in the first place. There's no way I would do that; that would be self-mutilation. Jeez!
While I was researching all of these ectodermic English thingies, I came across a word I didn't know. (I'm always wanting to enrich my constabulary with new words.) The word is "tappen". It's a word for the plug bears use to close their rectums during hibernation, preventing ants from crawling into their butt holes. I want to get one! I think all of us should buy a tappen from a bear supply store or amazon.com so we can sleep better knowing that no stinkin' ants are going to crawl into our butt holes and cause us trouble.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ~ George Carlin