Are You Ready to Die?

The so-called "human condition" is difficult for us dogs to relate to. Most people never step back and look at what's really going on. They just plow through each day like this is the way things are and the way things will be, not realizing that at any moment, everything could change. Each day is always changing, percolating, permeating.

Renaldo, the young waiter, runs into the kitchen to warn the chef. He says, "Don Guiseppi Vito Di Giorgio and his entourage just came in! The pasta is cold, and we are out of chianti and capers! What shall we do!"

The chef, Gualtiero Marchesi, calmly replies, "Meet me in the alley." Once they're in the alley he says, "I've been through this many times young one. Put a fresh tablecloth on the table in the back where they like to sit. Always bow your head when you interact with them. They like subservience. Tell them we are honored to have them here. I will come out to meet them before they order. I will convince them that they will not want capers and that they will want to try my new recipe."

After the table is set and the men are seated, chef Marchesi strolls out to meet them. He says, "Ciao Don Di Giorgio, è così bello rivederti! (Hello Don Di Giorgio, it is so good to see you again!)"

The Don replies, "Ciao Marchesi, I will have the usual."

Marchesi responds, "I have something even better for you. It is my new spaghettini chicken bellagio. You will love it!"

The Don nods to his lieutenant who then pulls out a revolver and shoots the chef through the heart.

The Don then bellows, "Nobody ... nobody tella me whata to eat!"

Renaldo, who has been watching from the kitchen, is terrified. He sneaks out the back door and runs down the alley as fast as he can without looking back.

M elissa Abercrombie sits down at an empty table in the diner. No one else is there until a waiter appears from the kitchen with a menu. She studies it while he stands shifting his feet like he needs to pee.

"Well?" he says.

She replies, "Do you have Cajun crab cakes? I love Cajun crab cakes."

"No gots," he sneers. "How about a baloney sandwich on soft white bread and a side of fries?"

Because she has low self-esteem she reluctantly says, "OK."

Once the meal is served, she hails the surly waiter and says, "Where's the catsup for my fries?"

He growls, "We don't serve no catsup here, so what do you want on your stinkin' fries? We gots ranch dressing and mustard."

She replies as forcefully as she can, "Well, I think all good restaurants should have catsup."

Then he says, "Let me check on that." He goes to the kitchen and quickly returns with an icepick in his hand. He thrusts it through her right eye and she crumbles to the floor. Then he screams at her, "We don't serve no goddamn catsup here!" After he regains some measure of self-control, he returns to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, takes out all of the catsup bottles, and throws them into the trash bin.

V ictor Tercell starts the day on the wrong foot, or is he is waiting for the other shoe to drop, or did he get up on the wrong side of the bed? He is late for work, so he quickly dresses and runs out of his apartment to catch the next bus. When he gets to work at Dos Amigos Body Shop, Carlos Garcia is cussing and bleeding because he has cut his hand badly while trying to remove a jagged piece of sheet metal from a crumpled car fender.

Victor, who is in a really bad mood, yells, "Hey vicuña, shut your dirty mouth!"

Carlos responds with spit drooling out of his mouth, "Fuck you gringo, and don't you ever call me vicuña again! Comprende?"

Victor, who hadn't even had a cup of coffee, decides an early morning fight isn't worth it, so he keeps his mouth shut, but on the inside, he is beating the shit out of Carlos and kicking him while he is on the floor. That gives him some imagined satisfaction. After a while his internal rage subsides, and he goes into the office to see if there are any donuts. Sometimes it ain't easy working at a body shop for minimum wage.

Then Carlos comes in, still really, really mad. He has a lug nut wrench in his hand that is still dripping blood.

Staring at Victor, he says, "You picked the wrong hijo de puta (son of a bitch) to mess with today. My old lady left me last night, my dog ran away, and I got an eviction notice for my trailer. I'm going to teach you a lesson gringo."

Victor says, "Come on Carlos, chill out, have a donut. Calling you a vicuña ain't no big deal."

Then Carlos splits Victor's skull open with the lug nut wrench and mutters to himself as he leaves the office.

W esley Higgins is driving down a road he has never been on before. He is looking for something but he's not sure what it is. Up ahead he spies a young girl walking her dog on the road. He slows down. She is a will-o'-the-wisp in a long white dress, pale yellow hair and so thin. In an instant he realizes she knows who he is and means to do him harm. She turns toward him and faintly smiles while gently waving her hand. He knows she wants him to stop, but he speeds up and drives past her knowing that he doesn't want to die today.