Getting Right With God

Abner Twelve Toes and Barney the Fink are drinking and talking in a bar.

Abner says to Barney, "What's you hiddin' from boy?"

Barney replies, "The law's on my tail and I done hit rock bottom."

Abner says, "So what's you gonna do?"

Barney replies, "Don't know really, maybe go down to Mexico, maybe cash it all in, maybe somethin' else."

Abner says, "Get right with God boy, then everything will work out."

Barney says, "I never liked you much Abner. You're such a self-righteous son of a bitch. Don't call me boy never again, you got that? What I does ain't none of your business."

Abner slowly backs out the barroom door showing Barney his middle finger.

Barney says to himself, "Why did I ever hook up with that son of a bitch. He's never been nothin' but a pain in my ass. Seem like everyone I knows been a pain in my ass. What the fuck. Might as well have another drink."

Barney says to the bartender, "Gimme a double shot of Jack and some bar nuts."

The bartender says, "Man you look really down. Why don't you get right with God. Then everything will be OK."

Barney stares at the bartender for a while and then says as he gulps down his drink, "You self-righteous son of a bitch. I didn't ask for no advise from you. Gimme another double and shut the fuck up."

After serving the drink, the bartender walks away.

Barney says to himself, "There must be some way out of here. I can't get no relief. I got's no woman, no friends, no job, and pretty much nothin' else. Maybe it is time to cash it all in. What else can I do?"

God says to Barney, "Why won't you get right with me and set things straight?"

Barney looks around and seeing no one, says to himself, "Holy shit, am I hallucinating? I thought I heard God speaking to me. I don't even believe in God."

God speaks to Barney again, "Let's sit at that empty table back of the bar and have a drink together."

Barney goes to the table while shaking his head. A young woman sits down at the table across from him. The bartender comes over to the table and says, "Do you want another drink?"

Barney says, "We'll both have a double shot of Jack and some beer nuts."

The bartender looks puzzled, then says, "Why do you want two drinks?

Barney replies, "One for me and one for God."

The bartender says, "Huh? Maybe you've had enough to drink."

Barney yells, "Just bring the damn drinks!"

The bartender says, "Have it your way. Just don't cause a scene."

After the bartender brings the drinks, God says, "Having a hard time Barney?"

"Yeah," he replies. "I gotta take a leak. Be right back."

When he returns an old Chinese man is sitting across the table from him. Barney says, "Where did God go?"

The old man says, "I'm still here."

The bartender looks over at the table where Barney is sitting alone and talking as though there's someone sitting across the table from him. The bartender shakes his head and says to himself, "The poor bastard has totally wigged out."

Barney is feeling very perplexed and quite a bit drunk.

God says, "So what do you want Barney?"

Barney thinks a bit and then says, "Is this a trick question? OK, I'll play along. Well, let's see. If I could have anything I want, I would want to be rich, very rich, with lots of money in the bank, a mansion, luxury cars—maybe two or three luxury cars—and a yacht. Yes, a yacht."

God says, "Well, say you can't have all of that. Then what?"

Barney replies, "Then I gots nothin'."

God says, "That means you have got no things, right?"

Barney responds, "That's what I just said."

God replies, "Not really."

Barney says, "What's this mumbo jumbo?"

God starts to speak when Barney interrupts him and says, "I've gotta take another leak."

After relieving himself, Barney returns to the table and sees a middle-aged Latina woman sitting across the table from him. He says, "Oh, I get it, you can change how you appear, right?"

God says, "Or maybe you can change how I appear."

Barney then says, "Since you're almighty, all knowing, and other shit like that, why don't you just wave your hand and make my life better?"

God replies, "Barney, that's not how it works. The almighty, all knowing and other shit is just myth. You see, there really isn't a God. That's just a human construct that's been around since humans have been around. The construct has two main purposes. The first is to keep people under control so they behave and treat each other reasonably well. That purpose has failed miserably because humans have embedded in their reptilian brains an overpowering need for survival. So if humans see others who are not part of their tribe or ethnic group—others that look different, speak differently, have different ways of living—they try to kill them or enslave them, or otherwise exploit them, particularly if they are weaker and ill prepared to defend themselves."

The second purpose, on the other hand, which is to give people hope and help them cope in a world filled with pain and suffering, has given many millions of people a reason to go on living. They believe in something greater than themselves—a God, if you will.

God smiles and then says, "Barney, What do you really want?"

He replies, "I already told you."

"No you haven't," she says.

Barney puts his head down on the table and moans, "None of this makes any sense."

God gets up and says, "Time for me to go."

Barney says, "Wait! Please wait! I'm trying to understand, but it's difficult."

God sits back down and smiles.

Barney says, "If I have nothin' what else is there?"

God replies, "Now you're on the right track. The ceiling has flown away. If you come face to face with yourself, you can open any door. Embrace that which is but never was." Then she gets up from the table and leaves the bar.