18. The Daily Poop

I'm starting my own newspaper: The Daily Poop. I'm the publisher, editor and reporter. I'll hire more staff after my paper's circulation goes viral. Here are some stories I'm working on:

International: Uttar Pradesh, India -- Deadly bus crash in India
A bus that overturned and fell into a roadside ditch killed 73,456 passengers and injured at least 187,345 others on Sunday, police said. The bus was suspected to have been overcrowded.

Money: San Jose, CA. -- Image of Madonna's butt on tortilla sells on Ebay for $40k

Entertainment: Ashdod, Israel -- Kim Kardashian changes name to Kaspit Koplowitz, embraces Kabbalah for one week in Kislev

Science: Havana, Cuba -- Rare "Devil's Cigar" fungus cures herpes
Researchers at La Mazorra Medical Center have begun clinical trials on a rare fungus only found within cigar remnants inside Fidel Castro's nose. The fungus, Chorioactis geaster fidelius has completely cured the Herpes simplex virus in infected lab cats.

Health: Los Angeles -- Lemur implant draws ire from medicos
Dr. Adrian Carbuncle of the Cyrogenic Polyscience Institute defied a firestorm of criticism by performing a laparoscopic implant of a lemur into the frontal cortex of an unnamed L.A. gynecologist declared brain dead after a high speed collision on the Santa Monica Freeway. The patient is recovering but is insisting that he be provided an arboreal environment within his hospital room and access to a female prosimian roommate.

Religion: Bluff City, TN. -- Locals burn down Zoroastrianism temple
Buford Jenkins, the town's mayor who organized the burn, told The Daily Poop, "We don't want no stinkin' zorassers [sic] here. They lick frogs and smoke dirty baby diapers."

Sports: Reilstad, Norway -- Jamaican bobsled team stranded on ice floe Captain Gilbert Ganja told The Daily Poop, "Me mash up mon, but dis whale blubber bans good make me mampie. Oonu got some Juicy Jays mon? Respect."

Obituaries: Flushingdale -- Goby Louise Butterball passed away suddenly at her home on April 25th, 2012 and is now in the arms of the Lord. Goby was a beloved wife, mother, and Druid priestess. She was preceded in death by her beloved husband Willard "Buddy" Butterball (2006). She will be missed by her family and friends, especially her Flesh Eating Bacteria lunch group. Funeral services will be held at the Pliny the Elder Druid Sanctuary in Flushingdale on Wednesday, May 2nd at 11:30 a.m.

Once I nail down some advertisers, I'll start home delivery of The Daily Poop. Until then, you can pick up a free copy at church bingo parties, tattoo parlors, and laundromats.

THE CHRONICLES OF ZOE DOG