The Chronicles of Zoe Dog

186. The Hard Rock Hotel and Other Stories

The old geologist slowly walked into the Hard Rock Hotel (everyone knows it's a brothel) after a long drive from Bakersfield to Reno. The madam came from the parlor to greet him.

"Well hello soldier," she said. "What would you like?"

He replied, "I want to see your best rocks."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather spend some time with one of our girls. They're all lovely and very responsive to our patrons' needs."

"No," he said. "Just rocks."

"We don't get many of your kind anymore, but back in the day when the gold mines were open, we had bunches like you. And them miners, I tell you, were a raunchy lot."

"So, if it's rocks you want, it's rocks you get. We have fewer choices than girls, but all of them are quite tasteful. Please follow me. They're in the back room."

He dutifully followed down the hall into a small room with only a naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

"Here they are," she said as she waved her hand. "If you want something aesthetic, might I suggest this lovely turquoise. Note the rich matrix. If you would rather have something more responsive, this bowl of mica should do the trick. We also have a half geode, which you can see has an ample opening. Finally, if you're interested in kinky and hard, why not try out this red brick. It can take anything you can dish out."

"So, I'll let you be. Oh, I almost forgot about our rates. If you just want kissing and rubbing, we charge $25 per half hour. If you prefer full body contact, it'll cost $45 per half hour, and if you want some group activity, that'll run you $65 per half hour. Have fun she said as she slowly closed the door. Oh, one other thing, try to keep the noise down. When you're finished, ring this bell hanging from the door frame, and we can settle up."

The old geologist met her in the dining room of the Hotel Riad Dar Bensouda in Fez, Morocco. She was a tall skinny-ass French woman with an attitude. When the waiter came to the table, he ordered a cup of sweet black tea; she asked for a cup of khoudenjal tea.

After the waiter left, he leaned across the table and said with a snarl, "Magda, I know that you stole some of my most valuable rocks at the Minéral Expo in Paris last month. Don't try to deny it! I know it was you! Even though they were locked inside a bullet-proof glass case with an automatic alarm system, you figured out a way to pilfer them. My red beryl, ocean jasper, eye-clean pigeon red winza ruby, serendibite, painite and star of India geode are irreplaceable!"

She coyly replied, "Je jure que ce n'était pas moi."

"English! he shouted. English! You know I don't speak French."

"OK, OK, it was me," she replied with an accent as thick as a bowl of dates.

"Where are they?" the old geologist snarled.

"They're in my bra where I keep them for safe storage and for padding. You know how flat-chested I am."

"Don't give me that bull. If they're in your bra, you would have boobs that look like Dolly Parton's."

"You don't understand; I wear a compression bra so they're not conspicuous."

"Yeah, right. Then hand them over."

"Mon ami, I can't do that in a public place. I'll go to the restroom and retrieve them for you."

"No you don't you sneaky bitch. If I let you leave the table, you'll sneak out the back door and I'll never see you again."

"OK, OK, I sold them. I needed the money."

"I knew it!" he screamed. Then he pulled out a revolver from inside his jacket and shot her in the heart. As she slumped to the table, he hastily got up, quickly left the waiter a generous tip, and ran through the lobby and out the front door.

The old geologist went to the Tuva region in southern Siberia to study the geology there. The majority of the people there are called Old Believers, and they consider may of the mountains where they live to be holy sites. During his expedition, the old geologist met a man who pointed at the mountain far away and advised him not to go there. Then the man laughed at him and continued on his way to that mountain.

It was a very hot day and there were no clouds in the sky. The old geologist came to the base of the mountain and started hiking to the top, but it suddenly started raining, He looked up at the sky and saw there was only one cloud exactly above his head. He was perplexed and began descending. Immediately the rain stopped. He became annoyed and started climbing the mountian again, but once again the rain started. So he changed his route, to go around the mountain, and surprisingly there was no rain after that. He then decided it might be prudent for him to forgo his studies and return home.