206. Time's Arrow
I'm thinking about time's arrow. I can't think about it yesterday because yesterday does not exist except as a memory. I can't think about it tomorrow because tomorrow doesn't exist. It may become today or not. I can't think about time's arrow an hour ago, because an hour ago does not exist, except as a memory. I can only think about it now. And now. And now.
For those of you unfamiliar with time's arrow, I'll explain.
Time's arrow is the theory that time moves in a single direction from past to future. Everyone except psychotics and Chihuahuas accepts this as the way time works, but there are some subtleties to this theory.
Time's arrow means that time cannot be reversed, so (sorry Star Trek fans) time travel is not possible and the future can neither influence the past nor be a cause of a historical event.
The arrow of time is perceived intuitively by the human mind such that people accept it as self-evident. For example, if you play a video backwards, you will immediately recognize that the events in the video are going the wrong way. But as a theory of physics, the arrow of time remains unproven.
Now here's the kicker, physicists for the most part agree that even on the quantum level, time's arrow is valid.
Hogwash! I have indisputably proven through my thought experiments that time's arrow is reversible! I accomplished this in my own home, without a lab assistant, whom I desperately needed. My reasoning is impeccable, but I do not support my finding with conventional math, since I'm bad at math. Instead, I have used a new form of math I invented for this particular proof. I call it Canine HyperMath. My findings make Schrödinger's cat thought experiment look like Velveeta Cheese.
I will not bore you with all of my elegant reasoning, but I will give you a sample of it to show you the depth of my conclusions:
| Ψ ⟩ = ∑ s z 1 ∑ s z 2 ⋯ ∑ s z N ∫ V 1 ∫ V 2 ⋯ ∫ V N d r 1 d r 2 ⋯ d r N Ψ | r , s z ⟩ {\displaystyle |\Psi \rangle =\sum _{s_{z1}}\sum _{s_{z2}}\cdots \sum _{s_{zN}}\int _{V_{1}}\int _{V_{2}}\cdots \int _{V_{N}}\mathrm {d} \mathbf {r} _{1}\mathrm {d} \mathbf {r} _{2}\cdots \mathrm {d} \mathbf {r} _{N}\Psi |\mathbf {r} ,\mathbf {s_{z}} \rangle } |\Psi\rangle = \sum_{s_{z1}} \sum_{s_{z2}}\cdots\sum_{s_{zN}}\int_{V_1}\int_{V_2}\cdots\int _{V_N} \mathrm{d}\mathbf{r}_1\mathrm{d}\mathbf{r}_2\cdots\mathrm{d}\mathbf{r}_N \Psi |\mathbf{r}, \mathbf{s_z}\rangle
Traditional science journals have rejected my research for no other reason than I am a female dog. This species specific misogyny is despicable! So I have resorted to publishing my findings in the prestigious Journal of Dog Gastroenterology, the venerable Annual Review of Dog Opticks and Frontiers in Neurolinguistic Correlates of Canine Language.
There have been many efforts to suppress my revolutionary work. The NRA has dubbed me a "communist", the Republican Party has called me "a viral threat to the authoritarian rule of America", and the Girl Scouts have labeled me a "bad cookie".
Just last week two men appeared at our door with search warrants. My mates let them in. They were in typical government black suits and sunglasses. I was sure they had concealed handguns. They said they were from the FBI and that they needed to interrogate me because I was a national security risk.
I felt honored that they considered me a national security risk rather than a mere security risk, but I leaked some pee knowing that they could arrest me or even kill me on the spot.
Agent One: "We know about your journal publications, and we know that if corroborated, your findings could destroy our way of life. What are your intentions?"
"Well, what was your name again?"
"Agent One," he replied.
"OK, Agent One, my intensions are to expose the fallacy of time's arrow—pure and simple."
"And what do you want to accomplish by doing this?" asked Agent Two.
"I want to free the scientific world from erroneous theories and promulgate the truth."
"You're coming with us," said Agent One.
They then put handcuffs on my four paws, blindfolded me, and escorted me into their luxurious car. I could tell it was luxurious because of the feel and smell of the rich Corinthian leather seats. I'm sure it had bullet proof windows as well as a 5.4-liter, 331 Hemi V8 engine with 331 cubic inches of displacement. (I could tell by the sound it made.) They took me to an undisclosed location, placed me in a room, and then removed my blindfold.
"I want a lawyer!" I demanded.
Agent Two said, "Dogs have no right to a lawyer. So let's get down to business."
"Well I tried," I said. "Can I at least have a cigarette? Maybe a cup of coffee or some kibble?"
Agent One said, "Shut up mutt. I'll do the talking"
"You are being charged according to the Espionage Act of 1917 for jeopardizing our national security with your seditious assertion that time's arrow can be reversed. Do you realize how serious this is?"
"Indeed I do," I replied. "So, with the knowledge I have, I will return to a time when this interrogation never happened and when no one knew about my breakthrough discoveries."
I wound up in the backyard of my house, none the worse for weather. Is that the proper idiom? Maybe none the worse for wear?
I still know how to reverse time's arrow, but for now I will keep it as my secret.
