Remembrance

• I remember rebelling against a repressive upbringing.
• I remember when I was wasted and couldn't find my way home, so I slept the night in a building's window well.
• I remember when I made love with a young woman I hardly knew and would never get to know.
• I remember when I bought hashish in Tangier and smuggled it through the JFK Airport without any thought about the consequences if I were caught.
• I remember when I slept in a brothel in Fez, Morocco with no regard for my safety or circumstance.
• I remember when I slept alone in a desert highland next to Cibecue Creek, a small river on the Apache Reservation. I was utterly frightened when I encountered a skin walker.
• I remember feeling helpless when my infant son nearly died.
• I remember feeling numb when I got a call telling me my best friend had been killed.
• I remember waiting for a revelation that never came.
• I remember looking for a way out of all of this. The door was ajar but I could not walk through it.

Part 2

• I never wanted to have regrets, I wanted to have no memory.
• I never wanted to have a face without blemish, I wanted to have a face that withstood the ravages of time.
• I never wanted to be cold as a stone, I wanted to be soft as a summer breeze.
• I never wanted to be part of the crowd, I wanted to be an outlier far from the crowd.
• I never wanted to be the barking of the hound, I wanted to be the hound.
• I never wanted to be caught up in the fog, I wanted to be the fog.
• I never wanted to revel in past moments, I wanted to marvel in this moment in time.
• I never wanted to be black and white, I wanted to be in full color.
• I never wanted to sink to the bottom, I wanted to rise up to the top.
• I never wanted to have a conventional mind, I wanted to be a heretic.
• I never wanted to be known throughout the world, I wanted to be known only by those who loved me.
• I never wanted to be bread, I wanted to be the baker.
• I never wanted to be a face everyone knows, I wanted to be a face no one knew.
• I never wanted to be a blind man, I wanted to be a seer of many things.
• I never wanted to be the thunder, I wanted to be the lightning.
• I never wanted to be a violin, I wanted to be the violin maker.
• I never wanted to be driven by dreams, I wanted to be ensconced in reality.
• I never wanted to be the harmonica, I wanted to be the harmonica player.

Part 3

The child disobeyed her parents, left the house, and walked down the path to the river. She was a curious child, and she had yet to experience fear. She sat down on the bank of the river and splashed her bare feet into the water swirling past her. She was ecstatic—without a care in the world. All she had was discovery and a future yet to be. She would have many swirling experiences while growing up—falling in love, being rejected by someone she loved, having a marriage and a child of her own, and so much more.

The young woman studied in school to become a nurse. She helped bring a baby into the world, and she heard its first gasp for air. She selflessly helped everyone who needed her care. She consoled a dying man.

When she was older, she had a child of her own. She raised her daughter alone after her true love left her. She imparted to her daughter everything she had learned during her lifetime.

The old woman sat in her kitchen sipping her morning tea. She thought about how easy it is to think about your past when you are old. At times she recalled lovely memories, but it was the foolish ones she so often relived and regretted. "If I could just have changed that," she said to herself. "Or that." But just for a moment she again became an innocent little girl splashing her feet in a moving river with not a care in the world.

She got up from her chair and went out into her backyard. She felt the warmth of the late autumn sun as she looked at her garden and the trees beyond. In the few moments before she died, she realized something so simple and beautiful— that she was not a finite being about to die, but rather part of an infinite being that never dies.