Pinkass

CDC Update: Urgent! Human Infection with
Highly Pathogenic Pinkass A(PA5N1) Virus

A new variant of the virus that causes COVID is drawing international attention, not just for its rapid spread but for its tendency to cause one unexpected symptom: buttivitis, or “pinkass.” The CDC warns that the new pinkass variant could fuel huge spikes in contagion among school children and susceptible adults.

The strain, known officially as XB.1.16 and colloquially as Monkey Bread, is a subvariant of Tuckus. It was first detected in India, where it has been spreading quickly, but it has been identified in dozens of countries and now makes up more than 12.5 percent of cases in the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The most contagious version, first identified in Britain, is expected to spread wickedly and lead to further strains on an already overburdened health care system.

How this pathogen emerged and spread is still being researched in the scientific community. The two major hypotheses are 1) a natural zoonotic spillover, most likely occurring at South Alabama Custom Meats, which offers custom deer processing, exotic meats, and smoked Boston butt; and 2) an unconfirmed but likely outbreak of rural bestiality in Rolling Fork, Mississippi.

Overview

Pinkass, also known as buttivitis, is an inflammation of the ass and the delicate membrane known as the asshole.

What does pinkass look like?

You really do not want to know.

What are the symptoms of pinkass?

• Redness and itchiness in one or both ass cheeks.
• A gritty feeling in the asshole.
• Discharge in the asshole that forms a crust during the night, making it difficult to separate the ass cheeks in the morning.

What causes pinkass?

The disease that causes pinkass is very contagious and can spread to the unaffected asses of other people. Infectious causes come in five subtypes: viral, bacterial, fungal, parasitic, and paranormal. Viral and bacterial buttivitis are extremely common. Fungal and parasitic buttivitis are generally uncommon or even rare. Paranormal buttivitis has recently been reported by alien abductees, but is still under preliminary investigation. Both viral and bacterial pinkass are highly contagious. They spread through direct or indirect contact with the liquid that drains from the infested asshole.

How is pinkass diagnosed?

Proctologists usually aren’t the ones to diagnose buttivitis. Instead, 80% of diagnoses come from primary care providers, pediatricians and Catholic priests. Urgent care and emergency room providers also diagnose many cases.

Providers may recommend that you swab your asshole to provide a specimen. To do that, use a soft-tipped swab to collect some of the fluid oozing from the asshole for lab testing. If a swab is not handy, a grill skewer, chopstick or even a toothbrush will work. Your provider can use the results to guide your treatment. In the following days or weeks, your provider may recommend that you have a follow-up visit with an proctologist to check on how your asshole is healing and adjust your treatment as needed

How is pinkass treated?

Pinkass is treatable, regardless of the cause. Some treatments are more specific, while others help many types of pinkass or its most common symptoms.

Most pinkass treatments are medications. Many of these focus on treating the symptoms of pinkass, regardless of the type causing them. These medications usually include corticosteroids, antibiotics, antiviral drugs, antifungal drugs, antiparasitic drugs, and antipsychotic drugs.

Non-medication treatments

There are other treatments your provider or ass specialist may recommend other than medications. These vary widely, but some of the more common ones include:

• Over-the-counter lubricating ass drops. These are often known as “artificial butt tears.”
• Warm or cool compresses. You can also use a wet washcloth to clean away any crusting or buildup if your ass cheeks are sticking together.
• Intermittently dipping your ass in boiling water no more than three times a day.

The outlook for pinkass is generally good, especially when treated as needed. Milder cases often go away on their own with no treatment unless the patient indulges in non-championship cornholing.

If you notice treatments aren’t working to help your pinkass, call the provider treating you. They may be able to adjust your treatment to better help you.

Myths about pinkass

• No. Pinkass does not cause people to become trans.
• There are no nanoparticles in pinkass that will allow the government to track you using 5G networks.
• No. Pope Francis didn’t say pinkass will keep you from getting into heaven.
• No. Polls do not say that 38% of Americans won’t drink Corona beer because of pinkass.
• Cocaine has not been shown to treat pinkass.
• Drinking chloroquine fish-tank cleaner won’t cure pinkass, but it might kill you.
• A viral image on TikTok and Reddit wrongly links pinkass to the ‘Resident Evil’ video game.
• No. You cannot tell that someone is living with pinkass by looking at them.
• No. You cannot get pinkass from sharing cups and utensils with someone who is living with the virus.
• Insects cannot transmit pinkass.
• Pinkass cannot spread through kissing.

NOTE: Do not confuse pinkass with a totally different condition known as redass, a gambling disorder characterized by problematic behavior that causes distress or impairment. This is a chronic behavioral addiction that happens when a person loses control over his gambling behaviors. So, a person who has been consistently losing money at a casino, but keeps playing thinking that he eventually will win back his losses, has "the redass".

DISCLAIMER: The information contained in this website is for reference and educational porpoises only. No material on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advise, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with a doctor, a shaman, the president, or another health care professional for medical advice or information about diagnosis and treatment.