Mysteries of Nature Revealed
Many of my readers have sent me questions about mysteries of nature that have never been adequately explained. Today I
will give definitive answers to some of the more intriguing ones:
Where is the mind located? It is atop the mindal stem, behind the epiglottic extension,
just left of the ganglion complex, and below the strait of hormel.
Do woods have necks? A wood’s neck has never been photographed or even seen, yet many people continue to possessively refer to “my neck of the woods.” This is just plain silly. The only body parts a woods has are trunks and limbs, and that’s it!
How do insects survive during the winter? Most die because they're too stupid to find a warm place to stay. Those who do survive typically live in empty match boxes, Pepsi bottles, and used, disposable diapers.
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons? No. Since Adam was made from dust or clay and Eve from Adam’s rib, no umbilical cords were included (although they were available for a nominal charge). Now as to all of the incest going on among their descendants, well I’ll leave that one to the theologians.
Why doesn't honey spoil? It's impervious to spoilage because it is made from bee vomit. No self-respecting bacterium wants to live in bee vomit.
Is glass alive? After conducting extensive scientific testing with a beer bottle, a tumbler, and a pair of pince-nez, I have concluded that glass is either totally dead or in a narcotic-induced coma. It does not speak, breathe, cough, pee, or move. It does not respond to radiation, country music, tickling, caressing, twirling titty tassels, popping bubble wrap, insults, sonic booms, a 140 decibel rendition of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, or threats to its life. It is completely unresponsive and boring.
What is the origin of the sleeper hold in wrestling? The sleeper hold was popularized by Gorgeous George back in the 40s and 50s. It was a variation of the Vulcan neck pinch that was taught to El Santo, the great Mexican masked wrestler, by a stranded Vulcan in Cuernavaca in exchange for food, gasoline, and a phaser. El Santo passed along the technique to Gorgeous George and later to Abdullah the Butcher.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?
~ George Carlin