The Perfect Butt
The weather today was very snowy and cold, so I stayed inside and
watched TV. A show that caught my attention was called the "Brazil Butt
Lift." It's not about skiing; it's about a super model showing the
viewers how to use certain exercises to make their butts look like hers.
All of this started me thinking. Now, I'm young and beautiful, and I think my butt looks great. But (no pun intended) maybe I could make my butt look even better. I mean, nobody who looks at me says, "Wow! Look at her butt." So I figure, there's always room for improvement.
So why is it that males are always looking at females and rating their butts? I mean, that's not where the action is anyway. I guess it's just the way it is.
So I said to myself, what is the perfect butt? If it were a beauty contest, the perfect butt would be a ten. (I'm sure a nine would be rather nice as well.) If you had a "ten" butt would it get you better jobs, promotions, endorsements, or better seats at the theater? Would you need to wear clothes that showed off your butt, and conversely, with a sorry-ass butt would you need to wear sackcloth or muumuus?
Would a substandard butt (maybe a five or less) cause you difficulty working on Wall Street, making friends, or becoming a social success? Are there butt enhancement products (delivered discreetly in plain, brown packages) that can compensate for a faulty butt? Are there butt implants or butt transplants? If so, are the waiting lists for such procedures excruciatingly long? And are butts included on donor cards?
After much reflection, I've decided that I want the perfect butt, but I don't want to mess with physical exercises and workouts. That's way too hard. I'm thinking about getting a prosthetic butt. No work is involved; just strap it on and you're ready to go. Of course you could have some awkward moments when in bed with a partner and the rivots and Velcro straps of the prosthetic butt became evident. What would you say? "Honey, it's only some nylon and cotton batting."
I found an Internet website advertising an eco-friendly prosthetic butt made out of everyday household materials. Red Rubber Rooster, Inc. sells the Mark III Rubber Butt. The company first sends you a free butt-shaping kit. You get naked (I'm naked all the time anyway) and then sit down on a big clay pie, frame it in balsawood, and mail it back to the company. They will create the prosthetic butt and send it to you for three easy payments of $19.99 with a 30-day money-back guarantee, less shipping and handling. I don't know. That seems way too demeaning to go through to get a better butt. I can't do that. I have my pride.
Oh well, I guess I'll stick with what I've got. Butts come and go. As the great Roman general Gluteus Maximus said centuries ago, Laudábo natibus (I praise buttocks).
Vanity is but the surface.
~ Blaise Pascal