Dogzilla!
Yes, my first movie is in production! It is Dogzilla! - a science fiction monster disaster film that inevitably will become a blockbuster. Since I have no studio backing for my film, I've had to severely cap costs. All special effects are done by me using cardboard, crepe paper, aluminum foil, squirrel fur, and roaches. All of the scenes were filmed in Hoboken, New Jersey with our grateful thanks to the city's mayor, the honorable Tim Pantywaist, who graciously allowed us free metered parking downtown and loaned us a camcorder.
Get your free Dogzilla! movie poster here!
The Plot
This epic movie begins with Muchacha, a Mexican Hairless dog who is an illegal alien waiting tables at the Elysian Cafe in Hoboken. She becomes pregnant, and subsequently abandoned by her lover. In a daze, she finds her way to Three-Mile Island while looking for a place to have her litter. She nests under a pile of fuel rods and is irradiated by the residual radiation from the reactor's meltdown. She bears five pups, but only a female survives.
The survivor is destined to become the ferocious and destructive Dogzilla! Muchacha dies from complications during dog birth, so Dogzilla is left alone. Due to the radiation she has absorbed, her metabolic rate soars and her guard hairs turn into spring steel. She becomes massive, and she eats everything in sight while foraging in the desolate reactor parking lots. She's also really pissed-off.
Several years later, a New Jersey cabby is suddenly attacked by an enormous dog creature; only his Mexican-American passenger survives. Traumatized, he is questioned by a local newsman in the hospital regarding what he saw, to which he replies, "Ella era Dogzilla!"
Meanwhile, Dr. Biff le Beau (Fenton Pembroke), a world-acclaimed forensic veterinarian and self-taught neurosurgeon, is on the Vinson Massif in Antarctica researching the effects of ozone depletion on the Antarctic midge. Suddenly he is interrupted by the helicopter arrival of General Arthur Curmudgeon (Lon Creosote, Jr.) from the U.S. Pentagon. The general escorts Biff to Benardsville, New Jersey to observe the wreckage of the taxi with massive claw marks on it and some huge poop mounds nearby.
Aboard a military bus, Biff identifies skin samples he discovered on the taxi as belonging to an unknown species. He dismisses the military's theory that the creature is a homeless Democrat, instead deducing that it is a mutant created by nuclear radiation.
The enormous and elusive canine creature, which has been dubbed "Dogzilla" by the media, travels to Hoboken leaving a path of destruction in its wake. The city is evacuated when the military's attempt to kill it with moth balls and cyanide-laced cat chow fails. Biff later collects a blood sample and learns that Dogzilla reproduces asexually and is collecting food for her offspring.
Biff's ex-girlfriend, Thelma Pickles (Maria Ravioli), is a high school gym teacher who has been stalking him. She uncovers a classified tape in his provisional military tent which contains Bulgarian pornography along with classified information about the mysterious canine beast. Thelma broadcasts the tape on television in a desperate attempt to shame Biff for leaving her for a '59 Chevy. The military is embarrassed by the tape, which exposes the sensitive nature of the situation.
Consequently, Biff is thrown off the team and while waiting at the bus station to return to Antarctica he encounters the mysterious Reverend Cantilever (Reginald Suggs) who uncannily knows about Dogzilla. Both of them suspect that there is a litter somewhere in the city. They agree to work together to track it down and destroy it.
Meanwhile, when the military chases Dogzilla, the creature dives into the Kill Van Kull where it is attacked by Navy motorboats. After sustained shotgun fire from the motorboats, the beast sinks below the water. Believing it is finally dead, the authorities celebrate. But Biff and Reverend Cantilever, covertly followed by three handsome young men looking for adventure, DeWayne (DeWayne Wilderberry), Purvis (Purvis Jackson), and Lucius (Lucius Agamemnon), know the creature is still alive and track it through underground tunnels to the Pascack Valley Eggplant Packing Co. warehouse.
There they find numerous, hungry, monstrous and grotesquely deformed pups. As they attempt to destroy them by planting explosives, the pups sense that the human intruders are kibble and begin attacking them. Dewayne, Purvis, and Lucius take refuge in the warehouse's meth lab, construct a ham radio from laboratory parts and send an emergency message to let the military know where they are and what will happen if the pups escape. General Curmudgeon initiates an airstrike as the three handsome young men escape moments before the warehouse is bombed. Reverend Cantilever is nowhere to be found. Biff, after balling the general's voluptuous aide, Ginger (Anna Maria Spaghetti), who was in the warehouse trying on designer clothes, barely escapes and resumes the hunt for Dogzilla.
Meanwhile, Dogzilla, who survived the prior shotgun attacks, returns to her lair. After discovering that all of her offspring are dead, she roars in anger and begins destroying all of the eggplants, which results in a 65% reduction in the supply of eggplants in the United States. Soon afterwards she chases the handsome young men and three blonde babes who offer the men a ride in their Humvee - Brittney (Brittney Suks), Heather, (Heather Jugs) and Ashley (Ashley Wishbone). Dogzilla wrecks the Humvee and as the occupants flee the vehicle, systematically runs them down and eats them, saving the succulent Brittney for dessert.
Dogzilla eventually makes her way to the 14th Street Viaduct, but she becomes helplessly trapped in the rush hour traffic, making her an easy target. After being attacked by military aircraft, she falls to the ground and slowly dies. Meanwhile, amidst the warehouse ruins, under mounds of shattered eggplants, a lone pup has survived the aerial bombardment and begins looking for food...
The Production
Dogzilla! A film by Zoe-Dog co-produced by the motion picture studios of Zoe-Dog Entertainment and TriZoeDog Pictures.
Director: Zoe-Dog
Writer: Zoe-Dog
Producer: Zoe-Dog
Music: Zoe-Dog
Starring: Zoe-Dog as Dogzilla, Fenton Pembroke as Biff le Beau, Reginald
Suggs as Reverend Cantilever, Lon Creosote Jr. as General
Arthur Curmudgeon, and Anna Maria Spaghetti as Ginger.
Special effects: Zoe-Dog
Set design: Blackie-Dog
Costumes: Sienna-Dog
Hairdresser: Sienna-Dog
Makeup artist: Sienna-Dog
Editor: Marley-Dog
Director of photography: Marley-Dog
Blood and intestines supplied by Truglio's Meat Market
Color by Zoecolor
About the Cast and Characters
Miss Zoe-Dog is no stranger to film and the stage. She has starred in multiple box office hits, including The Drunkin' Gravy of Jennifer Montagne (for which she was an Oscar nominee), The Albert Pitdown Affair, King Willie's Unbeknownst, The Redemption of Althea Cranberry, Booger Goes Hawaiian, and Breakneck Speedster. She also has appeared in six Broadway plays, most notably Meshugganah Sings the Blues and The Apprenticeship of Miss Jane Broccoli.
Her role as Dogzilla has been perhaps her most challenging and undoubtedly her best. In spite of enduring the heat and humidity of composite latex glove costumes and makeup, she has successfully nuanced a complex and multi-faceted character. Dogzilla, as portrayed by Miss Zoe-Dog, is not just a man-eating killing machine, she also is a misunderstood and grieving daughter, driven to take vengeance on those she holds responsible for the death of her beloved mother, Muchacha. Miss Zoe-Dog provides a tour de force performance. One that will sweep you away.
Biff le Beau is played by Fenton Pembroke, a veteran of B, C, and D movies. This is his first starring role. His other film credits include supporting assignments in The Invasion of the Martian Ticks, Crabs for Mrs. Pennypecker, and The Beast of Tortilla Flats. His character is a slack-jawed opportunist with a predilection for young, scantily-clad blonde babes. He doesn't know what the hell he is doing, but no one knows that because of his forged academic credentials.
The mysterious Reverend Cantilever is played by Reginald Suggs who is known for his enigmatic role as a bisexual vampire in Los Siete Sepulcros del Diablo and as Travis Hildebrand, the drunken urban cowboy in Sayonara Sucka! His character mysteriously appears throughout Dogzilla!, but not until the dramatic ending of the movie does it become known that he is the First Prefect of the secretive Royal Canus Society, an arcane group dedicated to the worship of Dogzilla - the avatar prophesized by their holy scriptures, The Doggish Jambalaya.
General Arthur Curmudgeon is played by Lon Creosote, Jr. who also has appeared in Juanita the Mexican Goddess and Devil Women of the Jungle. His character is a closet homosexual and collector of women's shoes who is too concerned about his career and impending retirement to risk making any necessary decisions about how to destroy Dogzilla.
Ginger (Anna Maria Spaghetti) is the general's voluptuous aide, who smears her mouth with lipstick, covers for the general, and calls the shorts, er shots. Ms Spaghetti, who is best known by her stage name, Honey Pot, has appeared in numerous adult films.
DeWayne (DeWayne Wilderberry), Purvis (Purvis Jackson), and Lucius (Lucius Agamemnon) are the three handsome, young men who, as the movie progresses, get eaten by the monster - chomped, flipped into the air and then sucked right down the gullet. They were b-team basketball players at Hoboken High School before their theatrical proclivities were discovered.
Brittney (Brittney Suks), Heather, (Heather Jugs) and Ashley (Ashley Wishbone) are the three scantily-clad blonde babes with wasp waists, round butts, and upward tilting bosoms equipped with heaving and cleavage. Their acting ability is abysmal, but they will keep the male audience drooling. They were recruited for bit parts by a scout masquerading as a student at Hoboken High School. When the monster chases them - and it must chase them - they run screaming and swishing their butts. When the monster gets close, they heave their bosoms, trip on themselves, and scream for help, crawling backwards on their butts only to be eaten with blood, guts and a high heel shoe or two dripping from the mouth of Dogzilla.
Maria Ravioli, who is Italian, plays the pathetic Thelma Pickles, Biff's ex-girlfriend. Maria's other film credits include minor parts in Scimmie del Vampiro da Spazio Cosmico and The Sicilian Bombshell.
The cast is rounded out by scores of Rahway Prison inmates willing to be eaten in the film without any credits. We must, however, express our sincere thanks to Enrico "Wild Man" Formentera for his superlative decapitation, Clarence "Pancho" Pacheco for his dramatic castration, and Billy Bob Lejeune for his spectacular disembowelment.
It is easy to be brave from a safe distance.
~ Aesop