The Woodlands Dream Sweepstake
Yes, it's time for the annual Woodlands Dream Sweepstakes, sponsored by Zoe-Dog Enterprises, LLC. You know you can win, so why not try. The grand prize winner will receive the following fabulous array of gifts:
- A one-on-one walk in the woods with Zoe Dog!
- Not one but two fresh Abert's Squirrel carcasses (guts intact).
- One gently used chipmunk (skull crushed but otherwise in mint condition).
- One tub (12 oz. 90 ct.) chocolate covered elk shit pellets, a highlands delicacy that is both delicious and nutritious. A splendid way to add daily fiber to your diet.
- Five raven feathers and a slightly used raven head.
- Five pounds of premium ponderosa pine cones.
- One package (60 ct.) of gnawed off pine tree limb ends ("squirrel bones").
- Ten pounds of mullein leaves - the organic alternative to Dr. Scholl's shoe liners.
- Seven days and nights at Lucky's SubBudget Squirrel Motel on scenic Route 66 in Flagstaff, AZ. Mosquito netting, roach spray, and a $50 voucher for emergency medical care is included. Free complimentary continental breakfast of pine skittles, rat-on-a-stick, cold gruel, and five-day old Wonder bread. Coin-operated massage bed, adult movie rentals, Preparation H, and condoms also available.
- Free, complementary buffet at Granny's Racoon Restaurant.
- Free car wash at Abner Dick's Self-Serve Car Wash.
- Free twilight pass for Don Domingo's Titty Bar and Grill.
- Free ammo load at Ruff's Guns and Beer.
Thomasina Finklestein won last year's sweepstakes but unfortunately she died after eating an entire tub of elk shit pellets. (An allergic reaction to elk shit was determined by the coroner.)
Donnie Lumbago won in 2010. He was entirely satisfied with his winnings until he mistakenly ate all of the ponderosa pine cones, which were for ornamentation only (clear disclosure was provided, so we prevailed in the lawsuit.) Donnie had excruciating defecating problems for over six months, but he survived and used his experience to write a best-selling book, Shitting out the Pines.
Sweepstakes Rules and Regulations:
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We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life, is rounded with a sleep.
~ William Shakespeare