The Oracle of Zoe Redux
By popular demand, my readers have asked me to explain another round of deep, unanswered questions about
nature and reality. Thus I assume one of my many monikers (Swami Zoe), put on my swami hat, and get to the task at hand.
From Tabatha Winebarrel, Oak Ridge, Tennessee
Dear Swami Zoe: Does a chicken have a face?
Come on Tabatha, is this a trick question? Of course a chicken has a face, and it's an ugly one at that. A chicken has all of the requisite parts to have a face: a head for the face to attach to; two eyes; a comb, beak, and wattles (all optional); a nose; and a mouth. It's face is pretty much chinless, but then lots of humans are mostly chinless.
From Candice Poots, Cambridge, England
Dear Swami Zoe: Are there any other sentient beings besides humans?
Candice, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but most humans are not sentient. Some religious folks believe there are angels. If they exist - and there's no factual evidence that they do - they must be sentient since they are higher evolved than humans.
Some scientists speculate that dolphins, whales, and chinchillas may be sentient, but again without any proof. There's one thing, however, that I'm sure of. All dogs, except Chihuahuas, are sentient. They just pretend not to be so they can lay around all the time, get fed, petted, and have a comfy place to sleep at night.
From Rupert Hogg, Buffalo, New York
Dear Swami Zoe: Where do thoughts come from, and where do they go after you
have had them?
Well Rupert, you're going deep on this one. Thoughts come from the Universal Random Thought Generator located on the moon. It was created by a subatomic race of aliens that lived in L. Ron Hubbard's rectum until he died. (They subsequently relocated into Wayne Newton's rectum.) The Generator sends out billions and billions of thoughts every day like radio waves. The Amyglial Receptor Dish, a heretofore unknown gland in the human brain, receives ideas from the Generator, organizes them and then displays them.
After you have had thoughts, they go to the Universal Thought Repository in the Himalayas where they are refurbished if they are of sufficient quality, and otherwise made into sausage.
There's one other thing, and this may blow your mind (pun intended). Here's the scoop. There must be a thinker to create thoughts, right? Wrong! Thoughts, which are transient by nature, create the thinker, which thinks it is permanent. But it's not. If you're not having any thoughts, there is no thinker. Poof! Check it out. It's true. So, what is there when there is no thinker? The answer to that is for another time.
From Chipper Bratwurst, Red Oak, Iowa
Dear Swami Zoe: Is fleabane the bane of fleas?
Well Chipper, there are several types of fleabane. Here in the highlands we have lots of Daisy Fleabane (Erigeron annuus). Fleabane is to fleas as garlic is to vampires. (I think this once was on the Miller Analogies Test.) Hang a garland of fleabane around your neck to keep fleas away. Fresh fleabane is the best, but dried fleabane works pretty well. When a flea encounters fleabane, its blood sucking mouth parts contract like salt on a slug, causing it considerable pain. It also hides its ugly face and hops away as soon as a metro commuter dog appears at a regular stop.
From Juanita Bustamente, Piedras Negras, Mexico
Dear Swami Zoe: Do mosquitoes prefer human or animal blood?
Excellent question Juanita. No one knows with certainty since mosquitoes won't talk about it. Everyone knows how secretive they are. Some even lurk in the shadows wearing black trench coats. I can tell you this. There are multiple species of mosquitoes, and some species do not consume blood. Of the blood-sucking species, only the females suck blood. The males sit around smoking cigarettes waiting to get some hot sex from a blood engorged female. It's quite a feat for the males to smoke, considering the weight of a male mosquito versus the weight of a Marlboro.
There are two basic types of blood-suckers: mosquitoes that suck to live (STL) and those that live to suck (LTS). STL mosquitoes don't care where the blood comes from as long as it's blood. (No plasma, please.)
LTS mosquitoes have lots of personal preferences as to where they stick the ol' proboscis. Generally, they prefer human blood because humans are rather thin-skinned so there's not too much work to get a good meal. Some LTSs might prefer a thin, pale Scandinavian blood; others would rather have a dark, rich Bolivian blood. It's akin to some humans preferring a crisp Chardonnay while others are happiest with a full-bodied Cabernet.
Now if there are no humans around, both STLs and LTSs have to resort to animal blood. This sometimes takes a lot more work. Drilling through a rhinoceros's thick hide to pierce a capillary ain't easy. On the other hand, drilling into a bat or Mexican hairless dog is a piece of blood pudding.
From Leshanda Jefferson, Detroit, Michigan.
Dear Swami Zoe: Is there such a thing as a black peckerhead?
Excellent question Leshanda. First, for those who don't know what a peckerhead is, I'll explain. A peckerhead is not a bird. It is a goofy-looking, socially inept, and generally inadequate human male. Ninety-nine percent of peckerheads are white. While you may not fully grasp the definition of one, when you see one, you know he's a peckerhead.
There are no female peckerheads. Many peckerheads are local TV weathermen. (Local female weatherwomen are young blonde babes with big bosoms who are looking to move up to reporting the local news and having an affair with the TV station owner.)
Other racial and ethnic groups have a few peckerheads. Among blacks, peckerheads are rare. It's because most black men are cool, and most white men are not cool. Nothing personal, that's just the way it is.
From Olga Osinova, Omsk, Russia.
Dear Swami Zoe: Is it OK for a witch to show her cleavage?
Absolutely not Olga. That would be an abomination. An even greater abomination would be for her to expose her tits and shake them around like whirligigs. Doing that was what started the Salem witch trials.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
~ George Carlin