The Zoe Personality Inventory

I developed the Zoe Personality Inventory in response to a need for psychiatrists and psychologists to better understand the basic personality types of people. My uncanny ability to accurately observe and analyze peoples gives me the unique skills needed to develop such a test.

Through the use of this tool, mental health care providers can accurately diagnose mental health issues and consequently provide effective treatment options. For the first time, this valuable test is available to the public.

Read every statement carefully and indicate which option best applies to you. There may be some questions describing situations that you may feel are not relevant to your life. In such cases, select the answer that you would most likely choose if you ever found yourself in such a situation.

The Zoe Personality Inventory

I think a golf course is:

1. a complete waste of land
2. better than an asphalt parking lot
3. a great place to go walking
4. a healthy way to recreate outdoors

My idea of fun is

1. sitting on the back porch at night watching the stars
2. going out dancing
3. gambling at a casino
4. drag racing

If I were to watch a TV show, it would be

1. National Geographic
2. Martha Stewart Living
3. Ren and Stimpy
4. Baywatch

My favorite kind of music is

1. the blues
2. opera 
3. contemporary pop
4. country-western

If I went to the movies, I would prefer to watch

1. Born Free
2. Shakespeare in Love
3. Die Hard
4. The Dukes of Hazzard

I think watching the news on TV is

1. a complete waste of time
2. a way to watch silly people say silly things
3. essential for staying informed
4. better than not watching TV

A liver and onions dinner is

1. an abomination
2. a high sodium food
3. a good source of protein
4. delicious

A piehole is

1. a mouth
2. a hole in a pie
3. a rectum
4. where you can corn hole

I most enjoy

1. walking in the woods
2. wading at the beach
3. playing golf
4. hunting wild pigs

My favorite drink is

1. a cold bowl of water
2. a wine cooler
3. a cold beer
4. a double shot of Jack Daniels

I think living in the city

1. sucks
2. makes finding a job easier
3. is exciting and stimulating
4. provides lots of opportunities for getting into trouble

Dog is to cat as

1. filet mignon is to bologna
2. Camembert le Chatelain is to Velveeta
3. big is to little
4. horses are to ponies

If I were at a bar and someone bet me that I could not drink a beer and a vodka in 20 seconds, I would say:

1. I'm going home
2. How about a beer and a Grand Marnier instead?
3. Are you paying?
4. How about double or nothing?

Phlegmatic means

1. who cares what it means
2. having a pessimistic view of life
3. having restless leg syndrome
4. having to spit up green mucous a lot

Tundra is

1. treeless, arctic plains
2. reindeer poop
3. Shandra's overweight sister
4. a bad ass truck

I am

1. free to do whatever I want to do
2. bound by my societal commitments
3. afraid to break the law even though I would like to
4. ready to smack someone in the face who gets in my way

Incorrect grammar and spelling

1. what?
2. bothers me because I am educated
3. is a way of life
4. fuckin' A

I am almost always

1. in the now
2. on time
3. a little behind
4. late most of the time

If I owned a rooster I would

1. shoot it
2. take it to the nearest animal control facility
3. let it sleep with me at night
4. eat it

How many tattoos do you have?

1. none
2. one small one on my ankle
3. one above my butt crack and several on my arms
4. too many to count

My favorite drug is

1. aspirin
2. caffeine
3. nicotine
4. crystal meth

If I could go anywhere in the world, I would go to

1. Sequoia National Forest
2. Machu Picchu
3. Disneyland
4. The Talladega Superspeedway

My favorite breakfast is

1. dry kibble and cold water
2. crêpes and a latte
3. bacon and eggs and coffee
4. a Big Mac and a large Pepsi

My idea of fine art is

1. autumn leaves in the mountains
2. a Manet or Rubens
3. a set of Ted DeGrazia dinner plates
4. Playboy photos

Score the test

Total up the number you selected for each test item, then use the following guidelines to determine your personality type:

24 - 41  You are extremely well adjusted and at peace with the world. Descriptors: mellow, enlightened, creative, balanced, warm, enthusiastic, self-confident. Treatment options: You have no need for any therapy, counseling, or medications. Keep doing what you do.

42 - 60  You are fairly well adjusted but you have issues. You are somewhat neurotic, but you are able to blend in at parties. Descriptors: critical, reserved, quiet, complex, dependable, self-disciplined, conscientious, intellectual, artistic, elitist. Treatment options: Multi-year traditional psychoanalytic therapy. It won't help you become better adjusted, but it will help you feel like you are doing the right thing.

61 - 78  You are poorly adjusted, but you have sufficient coping skills to hold a boring job and watch a lot of TV. Descriptors: confused, anxious, easily upset, disorganized, conventional, uncreative, doubt-ridden. Treatment options: You could benefit from traditional psychological therapy, Prozac, Viagra, Prilosec, Hydrocodone, and Valium.

79 - 96  You are a complete loser, and you are to be pitied or taken to court. Descriptors: erratic, argumentative, uneducated, quarrelsome, careless, brash, thoughtless, impulsive, egocentric. Treatment options: You are so poorly adjusted that it is highly unlikely that counseling, therapy or psychoactive medication could help you. You may wish to consider electroshock therapy on a weekly basis, a shock collar, and thorazine injections.

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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
~ George Carlin

© Copyright 2016 Richard Flagle