King Squirrel vs Hammie-C
WARNING! The following content is rated R for depictions of graphic violence. Children, pregnant women, and those prone to puking should go no further.
The fight of the decade was held at the county fairgrounds last Saturday. It was a no-holds-barred championship fighting contest between King Squirrel,
the undefeated reigning champion, and Hammy-C, the undefeated top contender. I was at ringside.
King Squirrel, who is 58-0 (51 KOs, 2 deaths), has been a brutal champion since his release from prison four years ago. He's known as the "Manassas Mauler" because he pounds his opponents into submission and shows no mercy. When Jesus Fuentes fought him two years ago, Jesus wound up brain dead after only two rounds.
Hammy-C (41-0, 39 KOs), a hardscrabble chipmunk from Show Low, won fame and fortune early in his career, and vaulted to the top challenger position after he KO'd Buster "Bonecrusher" Johnson, who until then held the top spot. Hammy-C now lives and trains in Las Vegas. He is considered to be ounce-for-ounce one of the best fighters in the world. He's also a mean little spud known for his dirty tricks in the ring and his lavish lifestyle outside of the ring. He works out at Gold's Gym with his posse, sports a dyed-red Mohawk hairdo, drives a Cadillac Escalade, and reportedly snorts meth before his fights.
King Squirrel weighed in at 2.4 pounds with a reach of five inches, while Hammy-C tipped the scales at 3.7 ounces with a reach of 2.5 inches. In Hammy-C's corner was the veteran trainer, Lou Dungdee. The legendary Custard D'Tomato worked King Squirrel's corner.
The tension in the outdoor arena was palpable. As the referee went over the rules, Hammy-C taunted King Squirrel and spit in his face. King Squirrel just lowered his head and growled.
Round 1: There was a long stare down to begin the round as King Squirrel stalked and moved in to smother Hammy-C. The size difference between the two fighters was startling.
Hammy-C leaned forward with a left-jab at King Squirrel, then lunged towards his midsection, landing a right-and-left combination of body blows before King Squirrel could manage to steer him backward with three effectively landed uppercuts of his own.
As they subsequently traded body shots, Hammy-C ended the initial sequence by missing on a wild left hook. At the middle stage of the round, Hammy-C began to clinch and grab hold of King Squirrel as a strategy to fend off his repeated attempts to draw near for body attacks, keeping him at bay. But with just under a minute remaining in the round, King Squirrel connected with a powerful left hook to Hammy-C's jaw, catching him off-guard. Hammy-C stumbled then recovered by once again clinching an approaching King Squirrel and savagely biting his ear.
Round 2: Both fighters began jabbing at one another. King Squirrel landed a number of effective punches on Hammy-C as he tried to approach, including several powerful uppercuts that kept Hammy-C staggering backwards. Then Hammy-C head-butted King Squirrel before connecting with a left hook.
Round 3: Again Hammy-C rushed out in the round's beginning moments, but King Squirrel landed two strong jabs followed up by a crushing right hook. Hammy-C's face started to swell. As the round went on, a visibly weakened Hammy-C began throwing fewer and fewer punches while struggling mightily to land on most of his attempts. With 10 seconds left in the round, King Squirrel landed a vicious uppercut that put Hammy-C down, but Hammy-C got up before the end of the eight count.
Round 4: King Squirrel methodically moved in on a still shaken Hammy-C looking to finish the fight. Hammy-C took a heavy right cross from King Squirrel, knocking him to the canvas. He got up but was wobbly. But then Hammy-C pulled a shiv out of his butthole, jumped into the air and sliced King Squirrel's face causing deep lacerations above both eyes. Blood was everywhere. King Squirrel was disoriented and having trouble seeing because of the blood flowing into his eyes. Hammy-C continued his advantage by slashing King Squirrel's left leg as the bell rang.
In his corner, Hammy -C was totally out of control - dancing, prancing, holding his shiv over his head, and hurling taunts at King Squirrel. "I cut yo' like a butt-faced dog!" he screamed. "I tear out yo' gizzard."
King Squirrel sat dazed in his corner. Custard D'Tomato, worked feverishly to stop the bleeding. The crowd went wild. The viciousness of the fight had everyone in a frenzy. I was drooling and pacing the aisle. Dogosterone coursed through my veins. I felt like an African wild dog in heat.
Round Five: Just as the bell rang, Hammy-C rushed over to King Squirrel who was just getting off his stool. He lunged with his shiv, but King Squirrel anticipated the move, dodged it, and then landed a ferocious punch to Hammy-C's gut. The crowd went wild again.
I couldn't stand it any longer. I jumped into the ring and chomped Hammy-C's head. He twitched on the canvas for a few seconds, then died. Then I turned to King Squirrel, grabbed him by his back, and shook him back and forth until he was unconscious. I threw him on the canvas, and chomped him over and over again. His intestines were all over the place. I felt a blood lust like I never had before.
The crowd was delirious. "Zoe! Zoe! Zoe!" They chanted. The referee took the championship belt from King Squirrel's corner man and handed it to me. I raised it over my head for the crowd to see. I was the chompeen - the greatest chompeen there ever was.
I'd rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph.
~ Ken Kesey