The Cruise - Part 1: Blowing by Security
It all began about three months ago when, on a whim, I entered Chompeen World Magazine's annual sweepstakes. Boy was I surprised
when I got a letter from the magazine that said I was the sweepstakes grand prize winner, and as such, I was to receive a two week all-expense
paid Carribean cruise!
I only had a few days to prepare. The cruise ship was leaving from Florida, so I had to pack and book an airline flight. I've never flown before, so I was a little apprehensive. And I've never been at sea, so I had no idea what to expect. Packing was a cinch. I always travel light. All I needed was my partially chewed Nylabone, my stuffed elephant doll sans stuffing, my Heartgard pill, my chicken strips snacks, and some kibble. Should I take a swimming suit? No way. I always swim in the nude.
On the day of my flight, my roommate Richard gave me a ride to the airport. Once inside it took me a little while to get oriented. Since I already had my boarding pass, I proceeded to the security check. There was a cop's German Shepherd walking back and forth s niffing luggage.
I came up to him and after some mutual butt-sniffing and growling, I said, "Hey Klaus, How's it hangin'?"
"I'm good," he replied.
Then I asked him, "Hey dude, do you get any special kibble or treats for having such an important job?"
"No," he said, "but if I sniff out a drug dealer, I'm allowed to bite him in the crotch."
"Cool," I said. "See ya."
When I walked to the security gate there was a big fat security guard staring at me. She was butt ugly and was wearing a necktie and all kinds of stuff hanging from her belt. She had pink jowls, squinty eyes and hair coiled into a bun on the back of her head. The ID badge said, "Luann DeWanna, TSA Trainee."
"Trainee," I gasped. "Why did I have to get a trainee?"
"Take off your collar and shoes," she said.
As I was removing my collar, I said, "Lady, I'm not wearing any shoes; I'm barepaw."
"Don't get smart with me," she replied. "Your wearing bedroom slippers. Now take 'em off."
"I'm barepaw!" I snarled. "I want to speak to your supervisor!"
So she got on her walkie-talkie and muttered some stuff into it. After a few minutes a big fat guy ambled over carrying the biggest Maglite I'd ever seen. She spoke with him about what was going on, and then he shined the Maglite on my paws.
"OK," he said as he gave her the Maglite. "She can keep her slippers on, but I want a full body cavity search."
She looked at me and smirked as she tapped the flashlight on the palm of her left hand. Then she put on a pair of latex gloves.
I snarled, "Look dumbass, do you really think I'm hiding extra luggage in my rectum?"
She replied, "If you want on the plane you WILL submit!"
"OK," I said. "If that's how it's got to be, go for it."
Just as she was bending over and raising my tail, I cut loose one of my famous, refrigerator green meat farts. It was an olfactory atomic bomb. She reeled back and fell on her ass gasping for air. All of the other passengers scattered in an instant. Feeling vindicated, I sauntered through the gate and up the ramp into the plane. I took my seat feeling quite satisfied.
When I looked out the window I heard a siren and noticed a HAZMAT team running into the airport wearing gas masks. "Hum," I smugly said to myself. "I wonder why they were called."
Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me; other times I can barely see.
~ The Grateful Dead