The Cruise - Part 8:
Staubsauger Comes Clean
The ship docked at Cartagena, Colombia. I went ashore and toured the walled old part of the city.
It proved to be enjoyable except for the heat and humidity. Walking the streets of
Cartagena was like living in a sauna. Anyway, I saw some beautiful
colonial buildings, many of which had balconies with carved wood
railings.
The city wall was made to defend the city against pirates who came there hoping to steal the gold, silver, and emeralds the Spanish funneled there from other parts of South America. Those valuable acquisitions then were sent back to Spain so the king and queen could live the lavish lifestyle they so richly deserved.
I paid my respects at the Fruitful Virgin of Guadeloupe Cathedral of Santo Domingo and sniffed around to see if there were any leftover body of Christ wafers I could eat. I was out of luck so I returned to the ship.
Each time I boarded the ship I experienced an increasingly, yet subtle apprehension. Something just wasn't right, but I couldn't put my paws on it. I wandered the halls and went from deck to deck. Everything looked normal, but I knew it wasn't. I wound up at the ship's auditorium where some techno music was being played.
Lots of passengers were in there dancing and laughing. I didn't go in, I just sniffed around the door. The techno song being played lodged in my head and wouldn't go away:
♫ Cherry pie, cherry pie, dup, dup ,dup, dup, dup.
Cherry pie, cherry pie, dup, dup ,dup, dup, dup.
Cherry pie, cherry pie, dup, dup ,dup, dup, dup.
Cherry pie, cherry pie, dup, dup ,dup, dup, dup.
Cherry pie, cherry pie, dup, dup ,dup, dup, dup. ♫
I thought to myself, "Everything onboard centers around food. Why?"
I turned around to go to my cabin. Suddenly, Herr Staubsauger was standing in front of me.
"OK, listen up," he said without a trace of a German accent. "I'm not a German envoy. That's just a cover. My name is Earl and my purpose here is quite different."
"So, what are you up to?" I asked.
"My background is in the food supply industry. I'm employed by a powerful, wealthy conglomerate to oversee their operations on this ship," he said.
"So who are they, and what are these 'operations'?" I asked.
"I don't really know," he said. They're a shadowy group. I've only met one of them, and it was in a dark office with the shades drawn. He or she talked through a voice scrambler. The conversation was brief. The pay I was offered was fabulous. I took the deal - no questions asked."
Earl went on, "My job during the cruise is to "quicken the flab" as they call it. My employer gave me very specific directions for doing this. I oversee all of the passengers' meals. Every entrée is infused with added fat - milk fat, chicken fat, and salt pork. All of the other foods have maximum calories. Pasta, potatoes, ice cream, and bacon are served every day. Food is available at all times."
Then he said, "I know it seems strange to do this, but I'm making a fortune, so I keep my mouth shut and do what I'm told. I get daily briefings, and I send in daily reports. Look, I'm letting you know this because you are not part of the "quickening," and I would hate to see something bad happen to you. If you're smart, you'll keep your mouth shut. I'll tell you what you need to do when the cruise comes to an end."
He trotted down the hall and disappeared around a corner. I was dumbfound.
"What the hell is going on here?" I asked myself.
I went back to my cabin and tried to make sense of what had just happened. Let's see. All of the food on these cruises comes free with the price of passage. And food is served from early morning to late at night. The passengers can eat all they want, and they want lots of it because it is so fatty, varied and tasty. They're all getting fat. So, what's the financial incentive for a conglomerate to bankroll this?
Then it hit me. Holy shit! The conglomerate Earl talked about must be aliens who like to eat people! If they plump up a bunch of humans on a cruise and then send them back to their planet to be eaten, they can make a fortune. What did I just say? Was I bonkers? No, it made sense. The "quickening of the flab" was an economic directive, and having a few Zombies on the cruise was a way to sample the humans for quality control purposes.
It is a disease natural to man to believe he possesses the truth.
~ Blaise Pascal