67. Ask Dr. Zoe

I have created this online medical Q & A to address the needs of the millions who have been ill served by the traditional medacarpalpharmacolonical establishment.

My unique background in vegetative states, veterinarian treatments and translucent pharmacology gives me a perspective that goes beyond the traditional methodologies that plague humankind.

I suffer from chronic crotch rot. I have been to many dermatologists, chiropractors, and shamans. I've used so many creams and ointments that trying to remember all of them makes me dizzy. I suffer on a daily basis. Can you help me? I am desperate.
-- Porticia Harball, Scranton, PA.

You poor, decrepit soul. I know what you are going through, for I too have suffered from crotch rot (Tinea cruris), a dermatophyte fungal infection of the groin region. This condition typically is treated with topical antifungal medications of the allylamine or azole type that usually clear it up in a week or two.

But unknown to most medical parishioners, is a variant of Tinea cruris that is impervious to traditional medications. Clearly, Tinea cruris antarctica is what is troubling you and making you so wretched. This rare form of the aforementioned fungus is transmitted by the Belgica antarctica midge, an ugly spud insect that inhabits Antarctica. Due to this midge's bellicose survival abilities, it can on occasion be lifted by a violent storm, enter the jet stream northward, and land in your crotch. Then the nastiness begins.

I know the itching, the stinging, the burning, the wet and oozing corpustules that make you want to grab someone's throat with your teeth and… Excuse me.

To effectively treat this condition, stop wearing underwear and sleepwear. During the day place a battery operated personal fan under your pants. Stop taking showers or baths. All of these measures will help keep your crotch dry and thusly inhibit the nasty, creepy fungus infesting your most private locations. This, however, is not enough. You also must forbear sex of any kind, gyrational dancing, and grunging.

Once your lifestyle modifications have been mitigated, prepare a plaster of five ounces of Coleman's hot mustard infused with one tablespoon horseradish, two tablespoons cayenne pepper, two ounces grated Kielbasa sausage, two ounces of wasabi, four ounces of mineral oil, and a dash of coal tar shampoo. Mix thoroughly, then bring to a boil. Remove from the stove and allow the ingredients to interfuse one another for 10-15 minutes. Take a spatula full of the mixture and slap it on your putridly infested crotch area. Allow the potion to amiculate fully. Repeat applying the mixture for seven days. You'll feel fine.

Back in the 70's I dropped a lot of acid and blew my mind. Since then I have had difficulty holding a job, keeping a meaningful relationship, and licking stamps. Is there a way for me to unblow my mind?
-- Joey "The Dude" Jukowski, Berkeley, CA.

Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) or "acid, window pane, sugar cubes, yellow sunshine, microdot, dots" is perhaps the strongest hallucinogen known to man. Your blown mind is the result of a chakra misalignment. This can occur when you drop acid in the wrong environment. Acid is not a good combo with drinking beer at a bar, shooting pool, boar hunting, serving in Vietnam, or fornicating. Acid is meant for spiritual development. To correct your chakra misalignment, you will need to drop some acid in a safe environment in order to restore balance.

First, you must reinvigorate your pathetic mind by giving to the Salvation Army or some other worthy charity. Then prepare yourself for a cleansing acid dropping. Take a warm bath, and be sure to clean your hair. Engage yourself with a prickly pear colonic.

Afterwards, compose a hot, green tea. Then dismember yourself with a pure cotton robe and non-leather sandals. Lock all doors and shut off all phones, TVs and toasters. Repose to a comfortable sofa of futon. Now, whiff the esters of nonconformity and chaff the estrogen of the Himalayas. Drop a tab. Needlepoint, Orange Sunshine, Golden Dragon, and White Fluff are good. Avoid Amber and Tornado Juice.

As your ego dissolves, do not resist, but rather embrace. Your chakra realignment will begin. Upon completion, you will neither pull to the right nor pull to the left. All of the rest will manifest as it should. You will be healed, but present day reality will become quite disappointing.

I suffer from Ass Burgers Syndrome, and as a result my social relationships suck. I also have excruciating butt burns. Is there any treatment that will help me alleviate my pain and become a productive citizen again?
-- Candida Childers, Mt. Vernon, NY.

Ass Burgers is a debilitating condition and treatment options are limited. First, you must stop eating organ meat, which is a prime contributor to Ass Burgers. Secondly, you will need to give up sugar and cigars - both exacerbate Ass Burgers symptoms. Drink daily a cup of Botticelli soup, which is available from your local health foods store or art museum. Vinegar eel (Turbatrix aceti) enemas also may reduce your symptoms.

I am a 16 year old White girl, and I have black skin in my armpits that causes me a great deal of embarrassment. Why is it there and how can I get rid of it. Pleeeeeeez help me!
-- Michele DeMatteo Placenta, Spartanburg, SC.

This condition, which is known as Black Pit Disease (Thieraviopsis basicolona), typically is caused by excessive armpit sunning. If you have been doing this, stop it right now! You are damaging your hyperdermal melanocytes. Another cause is from sharing a dirty razor with someone when shaving your pits. This results in inflammation and darkening of the skin because of tiny cuts and the embeddation of dirty little black razor thingies in those cuts.

Try using a tropical cream such as PitRelief or Mephisto Massage Oil, and take a voracious botanical to help cleanse your blood and detoxify your lumphatic system. I recommend Dogbane Daily Immune Support, which contains a refreshing mixture of dogbane (Apocynum), Chinese hawthorn (Crataegus pinnatifida), Artemisia absinthium, and grisette (Amanita vaginata).

Why does running water make me want to pee?
-- Darcy Hickey, Los Cruces, NM.

This is an often discussed question with no definitive answer until now. It all has to do with the vestigial pee gland located within the inner membrane of the bladder.

Until my preseminal research, which was published in the Jamaican Journal of Genitourinary Embryology, the pee gland was identified as vestigial, when in fact it retains a heretofore unrecognized function. I discovered that the pee gland (vomerootic gland) is part of a second, completely separate sense of hearing, known as the accessory auricular system. It becomes aroused when it hears the sound of running water or urination and instructs the bladder to empty.

In the Pliocene Age, the pee gland helped humans increase their chance of survival from woolworth mammoths, cave barons, saber-toothed bats and other predators. When the gland heard a nearby predator urinating (Pliocene predators usually peed before they attacked), it instructed the bladder to empty, and thus woke up the tribe before the predator attacked. The tribe then could defend itself or run like hell.

I am an 82-year-old female. For the last six months I have had an ulcer on my right shoulder and asymptomatic brown macules on my legs. I've been treated with intravenous antibiotics, prednisone, and anti-fungal cream, none of which has helped me. I'm desperate and don't have much time to live. Please help me.
-- Corina Neptune, Everglades Village, FL.

Not to worry. I can help. The treatments you have received indicate that your condition has been misdiagnosed. Yours is a classic manifestation of Blavatsky's Asymmetrical Dermaculitis. If your doctor conducts an equine-enhanced type 4 blood test, the results will verify this due to the hypercalcemia, immunophenotype profile, and the unusual polylobulated appearance of the flower cells in the peripheral blood smear.

Throw out those medications you've been taking and start smearing wheel bearing grease on your pathetically ugly skin sores. I recommend Johnson's Lithium Lubromatic Grease. It provides excellent corrosion protection under severe conditions such as yours. You'll be fine in 4-6 weeks.

I sometimes have a metal taste in my mouth. Is this dangerous? Can you help?
-- Boyd Poindexter, Surprise, AZ.

There are three primary causes for a metallic taste in the mouth: chewing aluminum foil, exposed metal dental work, and ingesting peyote. If you have been eating aluminum foil, stop it! It has no nutritional value, and better snacks are available. Have your dentist check your mouth and cover up any exposed metal parts. I recommend using Titebond Epoxy Resin. If you're into peyote, take a break from it unless the benefits outweigh the metallic mouth taste.

Disclaimer: The information in this website is for informational porpoises only and is not a substitute for seeing your own physician.

Dr. Zoe is an AKC Certified public practitioner in Flagstaff, AZ.

A man of knowledge lives by acting, not by thinking about acting.
~ Carlos Castaneda

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