Oh My Heavens
OK, I admit it. I'm not a religious dog. I have no affiliations. I do
have some spiritual prodensities, but that's something quite different.
Having said that, I'm interested in knowing more about heaven in case I
want to convert to some religion so I can enjoy all of the perks.
Besides, my time here is limited. One human year is seven for us dogs. I
need an edge.
I've done the research. Of the biggest religions, Christianity and Islam talk about heaven the most, but the Jewish concept of the afterlife is quite vague. Please understand, I'm not knocking the myriad other religions that have fewer wordhippers. One of those religions may have figured out everything just right. I'm just hedging my bets by going with the top wordhipper religions.
There's not much in the Torah about what happens after death. So, I will address my concerns to the big two of the three. Both the Bible and the Qur'an leave out a lot of details about where heaven is and what it's like there. So, since you can only get there after you're dead, you're not in a position to tell the living what it's like. So, how do the living know what they're talking about, since they haven't been there?
Let's face it. Nobody knows diddley squat about heaven, and the Four Whores of the Apocalypse are not about to give up heaven's secrets. I've got a lot of questions that need to be cleared up. Firstly, is there just one heaven or multiple heavens - one for each religion? Is heaven a physical place - you know, like Los Angeles - or, for example, like a state of cerebellum?
Christianity and Islam focus on the idea of a heaven and a hell. Generally speaking, heaven is bliss, in which one becomes united with God. Hell is the state of being away from or without God, which is supposed to be really painful. I don't know how fire, brimstone, and a red-tailed devil figure into this. I did see a red-tailed devil when I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but I've never seen brimstone, and it's not part of the periodic table.
Heaven or hell is determined by your faith and actions during your life, and both faiths believe in a sort of judgment time, or day, or whatever.
Where is heaven, and how do you get there?
There seems to be general agreement that heaven is up, but that's not well defined. The Bible and the Qur'an don't say where it is. We pretty much know, with the Hobbled telescope and all, that it's not in range of detection. Is it on another plane of existence? Is it in another dimension? Does it support string theory?
How do you get there? Surely there is no escalator as depicted in cartoons. How about teleportation, like in Star Trek? Nobody knows.
The Book of Revelations says that all people will be resurrected from the dead and will appear before the judgment seat of Christ. Well then, do we get an attorney and a jury of peers? Can we invoke the Fifth Amendment? So if your name is not found written in His book of life, could you contest this based on a clerical error?
The Qur'an says that you have to do good deeds to get to heaven. That seems reasonable to me. But the Bible says that heaven is a freebie as long as you have faith in Christ. No good deeds needed. Well then, if a very bad guy kills a bunch of people, he can still go to heaven if he repents and believes in Jesus. Right? I've got a problem with this. Does he get equal treatment with, say, Mother Theresa, who spent her life caring for the poor, orphans, people with HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis? That just doesn't seem fair.
Now here's a kinky question. What about the people who existed before Jesus, you know like those Old Testament guys, and people who never heard of Jesus or Mohammad, like Aborigines, Native Americans, etc. What about babies? Neanderthals? Porpoises and whales? Can any of them get through the pearly gates? It's not their fault they didn't know about all of this salvation stuff that came later. I guess I should ask the Pope about this.
What's it like in heaven?
The Bible says that God has a throne in heaven. Why in heaven (pun intended) does God need a throne? He's all powerful, so does he need something to sit on?
In Christianity, heaven has a city called New Jerusalem that is nothing like Hoboken, New Jersey. New Jerusalem has a wall and 12 gates, and it is 1,400 miles square with a 200-foot wall. I don't know who measured it. It's made of all kinds of precious stones, there is a river of “ the water of life,” which flows from God’s throne, and trees of life line the banks of the river and produce fruit every month. OK, this sounds good, but why does it need a wall? Are they trying to keep the riffraff or wild animals out?
John the Apostle wrote that heaven is a city of transparent gold with walls made out of precious jewels. It has gates made of single pearls. The city and its streets are pure gold, yet like transparent glass. So what? If you're in an afterlife, why would you care what the streets were paved with? Asphalt or gravel roads would be OK, right? Why would you even need roads? Why would jewels or gold matter to you? Are material things in high demand in heaven?
In the Bible, Jesus says that heaven is his Father's house, and it has many rooms. The Bible also says that heaven is where God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost (whatever that is), Mary the mother of Jesus, and the angels live. So is this like a six-star hotel? Does each person who goes to heaven get his/her own room? Could you bunk with someone else if you wanted to? What if you didn't want to live in God's house? Could you rent an apartment somewhere else? If you wanted to camp out, could you? Is there any place to camp out? Is there anywhere else?
In Islam, heaven is described as a physical place where every wish is immediately fulfilled when asked. Islamic texts describe immortal life in heaven as happy, without negative emotions. What would happen if you wished to be Allah?
So, in Islam, heaven is a place with flowing rivers, perpetual fruits, and shade. It is a garden where the faithful lie upon couches inlaid with gold or precious stones in a climate-controlled environment surrounded by “bashful, dark-eyed virgins, chaste as the sheltered eggs of ostriches.” They will drink from crystal goblets and silver vessels as “immortal youths” hover about them looking like “scattered pearls.” The believers will be clothed in green silk and brocade and will wear silver bracelets, and they will “drink a pure draught” drawn from Allah’s own source as a reward for their striving and patience.
It sounds like this heaven is a man place and a mighty nice one at that, or are the bashful, dark-eyed virgins both male and female? And why do they need to be bashful? Criminy, they're in heaven! Can't they be confident and outgoing? What if I wanted blue silk and brocade clothes instead? Is that pure draught a pale ale or something else?
Just like in Christianity, those who live in Islam's heaven have an opulent lifestyle. Good deeds are the ticket in, and the more good deeds you accumulated, the higher the level of heaven you get to live in. The lowest level of heaven is one-hundred times better than the greatest life on earth, and the highest level is the seventh heaven where palaces are built by angels for the occupants using solid gold. Would Gandhi and other ascetics be comfortable here?
If heaven is bliss all of the time, does that ever get kind of stale? Wouldn't some discord be a welcome alternative to never-ending bliss? And what about the gold and precious jewels, and other stuff. Why would you want or need that if you're in heaven? If you get tired of it all, could you commit suicide in heaven? If so, where would you go from there?
Who lives there?
Catholics believe that Mary went to heaven and became the Queen of Heaven. St. Peter was given the Keys of Heaven. Why are keys to heaven necessary? Is someone going to try to sneak in? Heaven obviously is a gated community. Are there security guards? Is St. Peter a security guard?
The Christians say there is only one god, but they also say there is the Virgin Mary, Jesus (the Son of God) and the Holy Ghost. So, are all of these parts of one god or independent entities? And what about the Holy Ghost? Is it an apparition? What does it do? It doesn't get nearly as much attention as the others, so is it a subordinate god? And what about the angels? Wasn't there some big war way back when (in heaven) and Satan and some of his buddies were cast out. If heaven is such a super duper place, why would there be war there? My brain is starting to ache.
The Book of Revelations says that there are some other critters in heaven, like six-winged creatures with whole bunches of eyes all over the place. They're awake every day and night, and they keep saying "Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God, the All-Powerful, Who was and who is, and who is still to come!”
With no REM sleep, wouldn't they go crazy after a while? Wouldn't their constant droning become a nuisance? This would not be white noise. God doesn't need this. He's almighty, right? So, what's with having creatures praising him all the time? I don't get it.
What can you do in heaven?
So, do you sit on a cloud with wings on your back and play the harp? Can you participate in sports? Go to movies? Enjoy fine dining? Can you engage in work? And, oh my heavens, what happens if you do something bad?
Do those in heaven have physical bodies? Can they have cuts and bruises if they're clumsy? Can they have sex? Play tennis? Can the people there mingle with the angels, or is it a segregated community?
Apparently it's a place where everyone worships God. Well, since God is almighty and such, why does he need anyone to worship him? I mean, he's got it all, right? What if I want to take a break from worshipping God, singing, and rejoicing. (What does rejoicing really mean?) Can I go to my room and read a book instead? And by the way, I don't like to sing, and I have a terrible singing voice. If I'm in heaven, can I be excused from the singing part?
I just don't know. This is very confusing. Heaven doesn't sound all that good to me. I'm not into gated communities, gold, jewelry, fancy clothes, singing, and worshiping all the time. But hell doesn't sound very good either. I don't want my furry butt cooked over a never-ending fire. Please! Someone tell me there's a third alternative.
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
~ Henry David Thoreau