80. I Ate the Sun and Shit Out the Moon

It was midmorning in the woods when I decided to go down to the meadow. There's a spot down there I especially like. It's where the elk stir up the ground and poop. Having arrived, I became unusually tired and a bit disoriented, so I lay down in a field of thousands of showy goldeneye. I dozed. Suddenly, I heard a high-pitched buzzing in my ears. A veil was lifted from my muzzle, and I began talking in a voice that was not my own.

The voice said, "I am the celestial cracker barrel, the inventor of magic and the heebie-jeebies. I am now conjoined within a beast. I am Zoerathustra. I'm also know as Zoeraster, Zoeratas, and Zoeres. But you can call me Bobby, if you want. I am the sphincter of the narwhal, I am the incubus buster, I am the terra firma, I am the wrestler of demons, and I am the legislator of lies. All said and done, I'm a very big dude."

"Holy moly," I said to myself. "What's going on? How is this voice able to speak through me?" Then I felt a presence within me. It felt kind of like old moth balls and yellowed paper. I struggled to regain my own voice, but the presence was strong and took over. Then began its monologue:

I was born into the Spitamids clan at a time when the Sassanites, Stalagmites, and Magnalites roamed the high plains of Persia, gave animal sacrifices to their pantheon of false gods, and performed many abominationalities upon cattle, sheep, goats, and other livestock.

During these times I wandered from Anatolia in the west to the Indus Valley and Syr Darya in the east, and to the Caucasus and Eurasian Steppe in the north, and even to the Gulf of Oman in the south. During my travels Mazda, the Wise Lord, revealed himself to me and envisioned me. He enteached me the truth that He was the one and only God, the celestial God of Light and Fire.

Mazda appointed me to preach the truth. So I began spreading his message that man has the power to choose between good and evil, and that the end of the world will come when the force of light will triumph, and the saved souls will rejoice in its victory. I roamed among the heathens showing them their follies, and warning them of the dire consequences they would reap if they did not take better care of their livestock.

I was slain during the Holy War between Turan and the Persian Empire, and then I was locked in mortitude for centuries. But I arosed. And now I have eaten the sun, and I have shit out the moon.

You may wonder how I survived after such a long time, and how I entered the beast. Well, I do not know, but as the devout prophet of Mazda, the one and only god, I suspect divine intervention was at play. During my time in mortitude, I was confused and adrift. My corpustules slowly disintegrated. I dreamed and dreamed. But I never lost my faith.

Please excuse my vernacular. You see, mine is an ancient tongue, and speaking through this beast requires a different tongue that is scrambled for me. My speechisms are somewhat crumified, and there has been a denigration of my dialects and vestibularies. What do you expect of me after being adrift for centuries?

I come to repopulate my teachings and to purify the water, soil, air, and fire. I am here to liberate cattle from the torturations of man. I am here to steer you from evil and into the bosom of Mazda. I say unto you, never pee in running water. Do not lie. Do not besmirch your besmirchers. And do not defile cows.

As a background witness to this being's diatribe, I began thinking he was pretty wacked out. Who was he even talking to? I also was thinking, how do I get this dude out of me? I was feeling like I was trying to swim in a lemon meringue pie.

I had no control of my body and I could barely speak. All I could do was look at the showy goldeneye and listen. I wanted to tell him it wasn't right for him to invade my body, but I couldn't get through to him. It's like I was behind a jellyfish membrane that kept me in suspension.

He went on and on, ranting about Parsis and Persians, the path of righteousness, and the path of the lie. Give me a break! I just wanted to walk down into the meadow and sniff some elk poop! So I developed a plan.

While this whatever he is ranted, I would mentally shake myself as I often do physically to remove loose hair and dirt, in the hope that would result in physical shaking that would disrupt him. Initially nothing happened, but as I continued, he became a bit wobbly. So I intensified my efforts. He was starting to crack, so I kept the pressure up.

This exhausting process went on and on until I began getting back control of my body. At that time I noticed a horned toad sitting next to a mullein plant. I started coaxing the thing in me to enter the horned toad.

"It's a mighty good body to live in," I said. "It's much better than my pathetic body. Horned toads are strong and righteous, while I'm highly corruptible. I never go to church, I spit on old ladies, and I love to pee in running water. I also kick cows whenever I have the opportunity."

The "thing" started to listen. So I went on. "Yes indeedy, horned toads are perhaps the most honorable creatures on earth, and this one down here on the ground would be proud to let a centuries-old prophet of some car god live in it. You know, horned toads love mazdas, especially the new SRV, er, I mean they love Mazda. Yep, they're the best."

He jumped into the horned toad. I immediately chomped the horned toad, swung it back and forth in my jaws, and chomped it again until it was dead.

"Jammers!" I said. "What kind of crazy-ass experience was that?"

I began walking home, relieved that I had regained control of myself and had gotten rid of what's-his-name. I noticed that I had a crick in my leg. I figured that the space in the meadow where the elk pooped was a doorway to mortitude, whatever that was. I concluded that I would need to avoid this place in the future. Then I began wondering if maybe I could eat the sun and shit out the moon.

THE CHRONICLES OF ZOE DOG