The Saint Simon & Jude of the
Apocalypse Zoe Honorific
There was some really good news in the mail today. I got a letter from
the Royal Order of Saint Simon & Jude of the Apocalypse. They have
awarded me an honorary Doctorate of the Sister Theresa Order of
Nunafites for my doggish contributions to humanity, zoology, and
invertebrate incubational theory! Next week I'll be coronated at a gala
celebration of service in lovely downtown Fort Lee, New Jersey.
The Royal Order has cited me for my volunteer work at the Crippled Cats Society. For years I have been chomping crippled cats with no chance of survival, thus saving the Society beaucoup money from having to euthanatize these decrepit felines. Also noteworthy has been my contribution to the Veterans of Foreign Squirrels Foundation. I have assisted them for years in chomping thousands of invalid veteran squirrels suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The Foundation even gave me a purple heart medal for sparing so many pathetically injured squirrels from ongoing pain and suffering.
At my inaugural urination in Fort Lee, I will be bedizened in a purple robe and diamond-studded collar. The pooparazzi will be flashing their cameras and the crowd will be over joyous. The invocation will be conducted by Rabbi Lance Boyles of the Hebrew Pentecostal Beaver Lick Church of the Mighty Sepulture of the Abomination of Christ. Subsequent to the invocation will be accordion music - from Polish polkas to the sweet zydeco syncopations of Clifton Chenier (posthumously). 'Ei-toi!
A parade will then ensue down the main street, replete with scantily clad high school minerettes, a marching band, and the Midget Brigade of Foreign Wars. Floats will include the Taco Bell Salute to America, Jimmy Dean's Sausage Works, the Hebrew National Kosher Beef Franks Frankettes, and the Potted Meat Bowl.
The honors bestowed upon me will exonerate all of my previous felonious activities and inculcate my place among the greatest of dogkind. At my bequothing, I will humbly acknowledge all of my prefabrications and lesser accomplishments. Yes, this will be a time of utmost consternation and loathing. I will do my utmost to pamper the adoring crowds and perfectuate the future of humanitarian causes.
I have prepared a speech to allocute to all. Herein, the opening is thus:
Three score and a few days ago, I was a nameless, wayfaring doggerel. But thanks to the Royal Order of Saint Simon & Jude of the Apocalypse, I am now among the iconoclast of caninety. I am the corpus delicti of main street America. I am the forecastle marking the path forward with pee and steadfastness. I am the rudder that rights the wayward boat. I am the black swan of servility. I am the demarcator of, well, something or other.
Bless you all for honoring me today. I stand humbled before you, and I pledge that my continued good works will lessen the suffering among varmints and related pestals. It is my heartfelt desire to make the world a better place by chomping those with infirmities and related ailments. I stand before you unashamedly betoking peace and the last rites for all beings, mortal and what not.
After all of the poop and circumstance, I will of course return to my humble ways - walking the forest floor, and sleeping twenty hours a day. Thus it is said, "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? That is how I spend my life."
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
~ Mahatma Gandhi