85. Priestly Vestibules

Great news my children! I have become an ordained priest! Yes, for only $695, I have completed the online "You Too Can Become a Priest" class, and I have received my Divinity of God diploma provided by the Unleavened Church of Episiotomy, a subsidiary of the Norman Carbuncle Ministries and Fiduciaries of Lincoln, Nebraska. For an extra $150 I also could have become an ornate rabbi, but I decided it wasn't worth it because matzo balls give me real bad gas, a yarmulke would look silly on my head, and I am not about to cut off any part of a male baby's genealogy.

This online course almost dumbfounded me. The lessons were really hard, and I thought about quitting a number of times. But my strong desire to become diacritical and demigodly or maybe even trigodly kept me going. The textbooks seemed like Greek to me, but some clearly were Aramaic.

The final exam for the course was a real bitch - no slur intended. I had one shining moment on the test. I was the only one in my class of four students who correctly answered that there are eighty-one books of the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church canon. Actually, I guessed on that question based on knowing that eighty-one is the square of 9 and the fourth power of 3. Thus, I figured that there must be nine Tewahedoans, each with three children, which somehow amounts to 81 congregation- alists. Since each one would need a book, there must be 81 books!

On the essay section, I wrote a brilliant piece on the castrotomy of the Catholic Bible. My instructor gave me an F for my essay based on factualness, but an A for creativity. So my grade on the essay averaged out to a C. Thusly, I quote myself:

Catholics use the Maserati Text as the basis for the translations of the protocatatonical books (those accepted as catatonical by both Jews and all Christians), with various changes derived from many other ancient sources (such as the 16th Death Knight known as the Vulgarate, the Dead Peat Scrolls, and the Vulcan Septuagentile), while generally using the Vulcan Septuagentile and Vulgate, now supplemented by the ancient Hebrew and Arithmetitic manuscripts, as the basis for the neuterocatatonical books. The intestinal books are called the neuterocatatonicon. These are works recognized by the Roman Catholic Church as being part of scripture (and thus neuterocatatonical rather than apoplectical ).

I really screwed up on the multiple choice part of the test. On the question about the Last Supper, I figured out that it was a Seder, so I wrongly assumed that Judas Escargot sold out Jesus for some gefilte fish. After that I got so confused that I started marking answers randomly. Stuff like Mary Magdalene was a Jewish princess, Aesop led the Jews out of Egypt, Friar Tuck baptized Jesus, 666 was the sign of the feast… I only got a D- but I was allowed to submit an extra credit project that boosted my GPA to a C, which was passing. For extra credit I served Methadone and stale bread at the St. Titus' Soup Kitchen and Adult Bookstore for five weekends before Lent.

Anyway, I got through the final exam and received my diploma, so now I can wear all of the priestly vestibules, black shirts, and cervical collars for which I am entitled. (I have opted for open-toe footwear, not only because of my physiology, but also because of my humility in becoming an embassy of God.) I can wear a Beretta on my head, although I'm not sure whether it should be loaded or empty. I have modified my Soultane so that it is lined with squirrel fur - very comfy during the winter months.

It took me a while to decide what to call myself. What first came to mind was "Fatheretta," but I decided it was too close to Aquanetta, and I didn't want anyone to think I was like the "Venezuelan Volcano." Then I toyed around with "Fatherola," but it sounded too much like a musical instrument. So, I made my official title simply and traditionally "Father." (The online enrollment form did not require a disclosure of gender, so I did not inform the church officials that I was female, lest there be some unwanted controversy.)

I now am authorized to perform all priestly functions, including ministering to a flock (All I need to do now is assemble a flock that I can minister unto.), carmelizing babies into the church, performing the victuals of holy matrimony, dispensing sacral mints and vanilla wafers at the littoral mass of the eating of Jesus, and enumerating the last rights to a deceased flocker or flockee.

I must disclose to all, that because of my newly-found but deeply-held religious convictions (none of which was greater than a class 3 misdemeanor), I am unwilling to sodomize the sacred union of two or more gay men. I'm still considering whether to wed gay women. (There may be some value in their unionizing.)

Yes my children, Father Zoe is now able and willing to supplicate on your behalf, bind your immoral wounds, and help you reach God in the least amount of time and without any long distance or roaming charges. You can email me for my customized prayers of forgiveness, hand-knitted prayer shawls, and roseola beads. I also am offering, for a modest contribution of $19.95, Father Zoe's Atonement Made Easy Self-Help Guide.

I'm so filled with godliness that I'm about to bust a blood vessel in my eye, so come to me ye all in need of a Father who will flock you.

THE CHRONICLES OF ZOE DOG