The Menace of Global Worming
When I went out this morning the sun was
orange and there was smoke in the sky.
"This is not right," I said to myself. So I went back into the house and turned on the TV. After watching "The Man With the 200 Pound Tumor," I switched to the news. "Oh no," I exclaimed, "there is a 1,000 acre forest fire southwest of us that's causing people to be evacuated from their homes."
Unfortunately, here in the high country, wildfires are common, but they've been getting worse for the last few years. It's something attributed to "global worming" an environmental event that is beginning to turn our world upside down. The fire was said to be man-made, but I know better. It was worm-made - part of an insidious, little known activity of G.A.R.C., the preeminent terrorist worm militia.
Many worm groups have begun revolting. They are dissatisfied with their diminished place in the natural order of species. They want more recognition, more prestige, more arable land, more power, and greater access to mobile electronic devices. To achieve their ends, they have sabotaged soil accouterments, wineries, car washes, government buildings, and coal plants, to name but a few.
By now some of you may be asking yourselves, "Does this dog really know what she's talking about? I haven't ever heard of a worm insurrection."
Rest assured, this dog knows what she's talking about. I've been leading a clandestine anti-worm infiltration group for over five years - the Anti-Worm Terrorist Alliance of North America, LLC. (A.W.T.A.N.A.). We have been endorsed and provided financial backing from many notables, who for political reasons are unable to speak publically on our behalf.
Our benefactors include Dick "the Weasel" Cheney, Oliver "Scum Sucker" North, Donald "the Bad Toupee" Trump, the Koch " it should not be pronounced Coke" brothers, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Miley "Call Me Naked" Cyrus, Madonna "Who Are You Kidding Like a Virgin", and many more.
My highly trained field operatives - Blacky Dog, Sienna Dog, and Marley Dog - have infiltrated the ranks of the G.A.R.C.'s global worm high command using guile, canine acumen, duct tape, and skin-tight latex worm suits. Their efforts have provided us with invaluable inside information about this destructive organization, its goals, and its disgusting breeding habits.
Many politicians deny that global worming is a threat. They say it's just nature's way of restoring balance, it has nothing to do with man-made events, and the Bible approves of it. How foolish they art.
Jesus spaketh of the abomination of worms way back in biblical times. He saideth to the flock, "Beware of the rise of worms, for they shall forsake ye and abominize thine mothers and sisters, etc." Anyway, that's how I recall it. I think it is in the First Chronicle of Zoe, 4:17.
If that's not enough, two worms are described in the Book of Revelation. The first worm comes out of the abyss, and it's a real bad ass. The second worm, also referred to as the false prophet (who is a slick talker), comes from out of the earth and commands everyone except Chihuahuas to worship the first worm. The two worms are aligned with the dragon in opposition to God. (If you want to get in touch, the worms' area code is 666.)
Well, I'm savvy to what's really going on. No jerkwater politician can fool me about the Bible - you know, they're all into oil, power, indiscreet sexual encumbrances, barnacles, and such.
Let me be clear. The terrorist worm groups are an emerging menace to humankind. People dismiss their influence because they don't have legs. Bah! That doesn't matter.
They have a double transport system composed of coelomic fluid that moves within the fluid-filled coelom and a simple, closed blood circulatory system, two ganglia above the mouth, one on either side, connected to a nerve cord running back along its length to motor neurons and sensory cells in each segment. On top of that, they are hermaphroditic, and they have a large numbers of chemoreceptors concentrated near their mouths that can detect and alter TV transmission signals!
So don't short-change these diabolical invertebrates. In addition to their battleground activities and sabotage strikes, they produce malware computer programs that replicate themselves in order to spread to other computers.
Often, they use a computer network to spread themselves, relying on security failures on the target computers to access them. Worms almost always cause at least some harm to computer networks, even if only by consuming bandwidth. They also are known for installing spy cams in public bathroom stalls to record the private functions of unknowing humans, mostly females.
Perhaps some historical perspective is in order. The Revolutionary Armed Worms of Colombia - G.A.R.C. (Los Gusanos Armados Revolucionarios de Colombia) is an irregular military organization involved in the continuing Colombian armed conflict since 1964. The G.A.R.C. claims to be an army of peasant Marxist-Leninist worms with a political platform of agrarianism, anti-imperialism, and free sex inspired by the works of the Russian occultist, Helena Petrovna Blavatsky.
G.A.R.C was formed in 1963 by El Comandante Jorge Gusano Correa after he staged a military attack on the community of Margaritaville. 9,000 Colombian troops retaliated. Correa and 47 other worms fought against the government forces and killed over 5,000 troops before escaping into the soil.
The strength of the G.A.R.C. forces and their allies is indeterminate, but their numbers are rising, and their destructive activities have been increasing at an alarming rate. In addition, they have been given substantial financial backing from Dennis Rodman, aka "The Worm," a wacked-out ex-NBA basketball player, tattoo billboard, and North Korean sympathizer.
In 1974, the G.A.R.C. kidnapped Canadian agricultural scientist Lydia McBrain and held her captive underground for three years. She survived by eating animal manure and decayed roots and leaves. After she was released, her eyes were unable to adapt to sunlight and she became blind. However, this did not stop her from writing a book about her ordeal which inspired the 1996 film The Worms Are Coming, starring Angus T. Jones and Raleigh Ritchie.
In 2002 and 2003, G.A.R.C. broke up ten banana farms in Mephisto, an eastern Colombian province, and distributed the land to local subsistence worms. They then went underground for several years. G.A.R.C. has claimed credit for the suicide bombing of the Lex Luther Drop of Doom ride at the Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles, California in 2009 and the decapitation of five saltwater crocodiles at the Fort Worth Zoo in Texas in 2011.
Within the last 10 years or so, they have affiliated themselves with other country-specific revolutionary worms groups. Noteworthy among them are the following:
The League of Mongolian Death Worms (L.M.D.W.) are a sectarian military organization in the Gobi Desert. They are bright red worms with a wide body that is 2 to 5 feet long. They are known for their diabolical fighting skills and voracious demeanor.
They can kill at a distance by means of electric discharge and up close by spewing forth a corrosive acid. They abhor what they consider to be the depravity of Western civilization, calling such people "whore worms," and they vow to kill as many of them as possible so that they will unite after death in Death Worm heaven where they will have uninterrupted sex with 69 virgin, Nubian halo worms.
The Lorena Bobbit Worms of Long Island - L.B.W.L.I.- are 10 feet long ambush predators that have toxic bristles up and down their bodies that can cause permanent nerve damage to anyone who touches them. They are anarchists who do not have an organization of their own, but as mercenaries they have affiliated themselves with the G.A.R.C. since 1998.
The Guerrilla Worms Alliance (G.W.A.) is an Arabic worm faction based in Yemen. They are a jihadist group bent upon sowing civil unrest in the Arab region with the aim of establishing a worm caliphate—a single, transnational worm state subject to strict Shaworma Law.
The group emerged in the ashes of the U.S. led invasion to oust Saddam Hussein, and the insurgency that followed provided it with fertile ground to wage a guerrilla war against coalition forces and their domestic allies. They are know to chew the roots of the Sacred Datura plant to acquire super worm stamina and hallucinatory trances that prepare them for battle.
People, listen up! The menace of global worming is real, and it's not coming - it's already here! You can deny it if you want, but when you're at your local mall, place of worship, or favorite adult bookstore, sooner or later you could be staring a Mongolian death worm in the face (technically, the anterior end), and it will cut out and eat your bowels.
A.W.T.A.N.A. will continue its mission to thwart the terrorist worms and bromide their places of worship, unknown and unappreciated to all but the most ill-conceived. We will persevere, we will infiltrate, and we will fornicate the worm menace until all of them are emasculated and inviscerized.
Footnote: Mezcal worms, which are found in some types of Mexican mezcal bottles, are not really worms, so there's no need to be alarmed by them. They actually are benign insect larvae - usually either a gusano rojo (red worm) or a chinicuil (maguey worm), the caterpillar of the Hypopta agavis moth. I have found that when they are dipped in catsup and presented on toothpicks, they make tasty hors d'oeuvres.
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HOW YOU CAN HELP
You can sponsor the freedom fighter dog of your choice for a modest financial donation that will make lasting changes in these freedom fighter dogs' lives by helping to improve their nutrition and health, fighting capabilities, and reproductive choices.
You are encouraged – but not obliged – to build a friendship with your sponsored freedom fighter dog. Sienna Dog, Blackie Dog, and Marley Dog are eager and excited to hear from you and about your life, and happy to share about their ongoing efforts to crush the global worming menace.
The Bronze Donation
For your generous donation of $19.95 a month, your sponsored freedom
fighter dog will receive a basic survival kit consisting of seven days
of kibble with a Milkbone treat, a cyanide pill, 30 Oxycontin ®
tablets, 10 individually-wrapped Okamoto ® condoms, a 3-led
flashlight, a pack of Marlboro ®
cigarettes, and one Ace ® bandage.
The Gold Donation
For your generous donation of $29.95 a month, your freedom fighter
dog will receive, in addition to the basic survival kit, three
additional days of kibble, two Milkbone treats, 20 individually-wrapped
Okamoto ® condoms, a pup tent, six packs of Marlboro ®
cigarettes, and a rain poncho. This donation also includes a one year
subscription to Soldier of Fortune Magazine !
The Platinum Donation
For your generous donation of $49.95 a month, your sponsored freedom
fighter dog will receive, in addition to the Gold survival kit, six
additional days of kibble, four Milkbone treats, 50 individually-wrapped
Okamoto ® condoms, a ceramic worm-gutting knife, a carton of
Marlboro ® cigarettes, and an iPod Mini ®.
For each donation you will receive a downloadable Global Worming Freedom Fighter Dog Adoption Certificate personalized with your name, the story of your individual freedom fighter dog, and maps of sightings of your freedom fighter dog; an autopawed photograph of your chosen freedom fighter dog; and a canvas tote bag.
I want to make a donation. Where can I send it? How do I make out the check?
You may send your check to the A.W.T.A.N.A. Alliance, 501 St. Pliny the Eder Place, Boogerville, MS 38601. Please make the check payable to the A.W.T.A.N.A. Alliance. God bless you! Remember, it takes a village to crush the worms.
They call them terrorists, I call them freedom fighters.
~ Louis Farrakhan