93. National Grasshopper Day

Of late it's been hot up here in the highlands. The monsoon rains have gone somewhere else for a while. Since it's hot, I spend more time inside where I sit around with way too much time on my paws.

I started thinking about grasshoppers. I see lots of them when I go on my walks. This time of the year they're big and fat - a good protein source for birds, snakes, lizards, skunks... They're also good protein for lots of people in poor countries. Maybe we should honor them for being such a good, healthy food source. I've decided to petition our elected officials, who also have way too much time on their paws, er… hands, to declare, declaim, and delatitude September as Grasshopper Month and the first Monday in September as National Grasshopper Day, a paid holiday.

Dear esteemed and honorable senators and house commemoratives,

I want to bring to your attention a matter of great national importance: the establishment of National Grasshopper Day on the first Monday in September, a paid holiday.

Since you lazy-ass bums aren't doing anything else, I figure you could whip up a declaration, betiding, or something to get this important holiday up and running.

So if one of your aide's isn't busy boogering someone in the bathroom, have him give me a call once National Grasshopper Day has been voted for.

In addition, I think it's impervious that you establish grasshoppers as our National Insect. If you can do it for a bald eagle, then you can do it for a grasshopper.

And by the way, there are a few other things I would like to tell you. I am quite distressed with how arrogant, greedy, hippocritical, mean-spirited, power-hungry, and despicable most of you are. We all know that many of you hate the President because he's a Black man. Get over it buttholes! He's got more dignity and class than all of you good-for-nothing nematodes combined.

You corksuckers are busy trying to get as much lobbyist money and power as you can rather than representing the citizens of our country as our fondling fathers intended. You guys smirk and pontificate about how exceptional America is. Well bottom feeders, I think America is very special, but the American government sucks like a leech on a varicose vein.

If all you have to offer is criticism and backbiting, then keep your pieholes shut! You're about as much use as tits on a fish. Why don't you just strip off your clothes and run naked around the Congress chambers shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!"

You don't care which way you're going, as long as you are in the driver's seat. And you eat at the public trough like pigs.

In closing, don't forget the grasshoppers!

Bellycostily yours,

I know my letter is not polentally correct and I've used some rather harsh language, but it's from my heart, my spleen, my bile ducks, and my butthole, so I think it deserves a hearing.

OK. In order to provide complete transparency, I want to dissolve that there is one other small, hardly worth mentioning, not significant at all, it's nothing really, just a mere thought, miniscule reason why I am advocating for a National Grasshopper Day and the grasshopper as our national insect: I want to become the Harlan Sanders of fried grasshoppers!!!

Here it is in a nutshell. Just the other day I read in Grasshopper & Cricket Magazine - I'm a subscriber - it's hard to find on newsstands - that grasshoppers are highly nutritious and contain large amounts of protein, and more than 80 species of locusts, grasshoppers and crickets are consumed worldwide for human food, in Africa, South America and Asia. Knowing this, I want to corner the market in North America for the consumption of grasshoppers. If I can get the National Grasshopper Day and the Grasshopper National Insect acts passed by Congress, I can easily establish my chain of Kentucky Fried Grasshoppers^® restaurants throughout the 50 states and Puerto Rico and become a mega billionaire before anyone else can climb onboard the "let's eat insects gravy train."

I've done my research. Grasshoppers can provide comparable nutrition while using fewer natural resources than poultry or livestock. My Zoe Dog Grasshopper Farms^®will raise big, fat organic, USDA grade A grasshoppers for my KFG^® restaurants for a fraction of the cost that chicken, beef, and pork farms must spend. As sole distributer for grasshoppers, I will have a lock on the market. Bistros, delis, grocery stores, restaurants, mini-marts, and adult bookstores will all have to come to me to supply them with grasshoppers.

I've been working on my KFG^® menu and packaging. I'll start off small, but once I'm established I'll introduce crickets, locusts, vinegaroons, beetles, walking sticks, termites, and Asian cockroaches. (I have amphibians in my mind as a potential future food industry.)

The Kentucky Fried Grasshoppers Menu du Jour

Original Recipe G's^®
The mouth-watering taste of Original Recipe G's starts with grasshoppers delivered fresh to our restaurants from Zoe Dog Grasshopper Farms. Then they're made fresh, seasoned with 17 herbs and spices and hand breaded throughout the day by a certified grasshopper chef. (Note: all tobacco juice has been extracted before preparation.)

Extra Crispy G's^®
Our chefs take freshly delivered grasshoppers, coat them in our proprietary breading four times, and sift them seven times. Every bite is a bite of tender, juicy grasshopper with a flaky crunch. (Note: all tobacco juice has been extracted before preparation.)

Tender G's^®
There’s no way you can eat just one. Tender, marinated strips of 100% grasshopper thorax are hand breaded not once, but twice with Zoe Dog's unique blend of seasoning to give you an extra crispy outside and an extra juicy inside. (Note: all tobacco juice has been extracted before preparation.)

Grasshopper Tenders Sandwich^®
Freshly-breaded tenders, pickles and mayo on an onion roll. For a taste so amazing that tenders are the new BLT's. Pop 'em in your mouth while driving, playing golf, or fornicating in someone else's bed. (Note: all tobacco juice has been extracted before preparation.)

Mashed Potatoes & Gravy
Zoe Dog’s famous mashed potatoes served up hot and buttery, covered with our red-eye grasshopper gravy.

Coleslaw
Freshly prepared in store with cabbage, carrots, just a bit of onions and capers and our grasshopper dressing. Our creamy coleslaw will make your mouth water like a male dog smelling a female dog in heat.

Yep, all I've got to do is get Congress off their big fat, mostly white butts to enact the legislation I need, then find some financial backers, and start up my grasshopper farms. I also might need to hire a scientist or two to genetically enhance the 'hoppers so they're extra big and meaty.

THE CHRONICLES OF ZOE DOG