The Joy of Chefery
Boy it was cold this morning - in mid-January with the wind howling. I went out to do my business.
I swear my turds froze before they hit the ground, and I forgave aligning with the magnetic poles before
I let 'em drop. I couldn't get back to the house soon enough.
Once I warmed up, my mind was afloat (as it usually is). I was a thinking, I'm an artist that isn't.
But that is retroproval. Maybe to my betterment I could go to canary school to become a chef. I would
love to wear one of those puffy white chef's hats and a kerchief. That would be so cool. Top chefs
make a lot of money and among astronomy people, they are rock stars.
I would learn the tricks of the trade, like how to prepare bouillons and consumés for application upon chicken bonbons and escrapes de jour, and other such stuff. I would use truffles (children's skirt-like undergarments) to embellish the plate, pâté de foie gras (goose squeezing's) to exonerate toast, and minced oysters to rectify mashed potatoes au gratin.
Maybe I could start up a TV cooking show. I would call it "Zoe's Joy of Chefery." How does that sound? Real Frenchy, right? Now I would need maybe a wooden scaffolding so I could walk on all fours while preparing the meal on the kitchen counter and peering into the TV camera. Otherwise, I would have to stand on my hind legs, and you know, after doing that for more than a few minutes I get a nagging backache. What else? Oh yeah, I would need a doggie-style chef's apron (I'm sure they have them on Amazon.), a puffy, white chef's hat, a neutral-colored kerchief (so as not to offend the Bloods or the Crisps), and a vegetable slice and dicer machine - I'm all paws when trying to use a butcher knife.
On DSCPN it's the Zoe's Joy of Chefery Show!
Welcome. Today we will explore nouvelle cuisine through the preparation of a spice-rubbed pork butt with decreamed turnips, and a delightful farfalle salad. Mon dieu!
Firstly, for those of you who are ignorant or too cheap, always use copper utensils when preparing gormint meals. They encapsulate the heat thus rendering the sauces most homely and the vegetables crisp as a new dollar bill.
Let's talk first about the pork butt. Don't settle for any pork butt. Seek out an organic butt, free of corpustles, trichinosis, and incromidants. Squeeze it. If it exudes juices, reject it with a chef's discretion. It must be firm and accountable.
Once you have selected your butt, embrace it and take it to your culinary room with aplomb. Now dress it with oils and vinaigrettes. I suggest an infusion of sweet basil, rosemary leaves, and ground granddaddy longlegs. Massage the butt until it is tenderloin, then baste it with a thin application of petroleum jelly. Rub the entire butt with the spice mixture. Cover the butt and refrigerate overnight.
(Caution: The aforementioned butt process can eroticize you if you are pronate to such things. You can prevent this from happening by putting your head into the freezer for at least five minutes, taking four times the maximum dose of a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, and putting a generous amount of Ben Gay on your genital private area.)
Now remove the butt from the refrigerator and drizzle it with oil - I prefer Vasoline, but caster oil and patchouli oil also are good. Place the pork in a La Caja China and roast until the pork reaches an internal temperature of 175 degrees F, about two hours. At 175 degrees F, begin basting the butt with a sherry vinegar-honey glaze about every 15 minutes.
Once done, remove the butt from the La Caja China and tent loosely with aluminum foil. Let the butt rest with soothing music (perhaps a Satie or an Arvo Pärt) for 20 minutes before slicing or pulling.
For the decreamed turnips, start with winter-weary turnips that have a whitish luster and a firmament. Wash them thoroughly and then bring them to a boil in a two quart pot. Remove them from the stove top once a fork easily penetrates their outer and inner cores.
Begin the farfalle salad by crushing a bouquet of Bibb lettuce, tearing it asunder until it is partially liquid. Cool it under cold tap water, then strain it.
The accruements for the salad include stripped and embarrassed cucumbers, sliced thinly; red onions chopped into smallish particles; frozen peas fornicated until they glaze brightly; extremely thinly sliced carrots that are afraid to show themselves, capers of the lesser Mediterranean (the white, not the green), shallots, and pine nuts.
Peel 4-5 garlic cloves, chew them thoroughly, then spit them into the salad bowl. (The saliva will soften their sharpness and enhance their sublimity.) Let the ingredients decompose for 1-2 hours.
Meanwhile, boil the farfalle until it is al dente. Drain and swirl it with fresh olive oil. Finally, add a sprig of hemlock.
Plating the food.
Once the dish is emasculated, serving it is of paramount importance. Plate the food thusly:
You must take into consideration the balance and texture of each ingredient and how it plays into the composition of the plate. Start with brilliant white china with slightly raised edges. Squirt a swirl of Béchamel sauce across the plate. Heat it. Add the food accordingly:
First the pork butt. Tie it with a strand of dental floss and then lather it with the grease drippings from its cooking.
Now, accentuate the dish with the turnip mélange. Squirt an estuary of sauce verte upon the resulting plating. Provide the salad in an accompanying bowl and offer ground black pepper and Etruscan eel oil.
Bravo!
I'm not quite ready to enter the highly competitive chefery business, but I have many boneless ideas and effusionated enthusiasm. My innate understanding of foodery and chefery makes me an excellent candidate for canery school. Maybe I should call up Le Cordon Blue to see if they have an opening. Ma journée viendra! (My day will come!)
Oh, I adore to cook. It makes me feel so mindless in a worthwhile way.
~ Truman Capote